r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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8.1k Upvotes

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16.8k

u/SmallTownMortician Jan 14 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Starry

HE CHOKED YOU.

Good guys don't choke people. He is not a good guy.

5.6k

u/shinybriony Jan 14 '22 Silver Helpful

Choking is incredibly high risk, it’s a high risk factor for an escalation to murder of a partner and also carries risk of brain damage if you survive. Get out OP.

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u/theprez35 Jan 14 '22 Helpful

THIS. I came here to comment this exactly. It’s one of the highest risk factors for women who are murdered by intimate partners. Consider it a warning sign of what’s to come. He won’t get better.

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u/realglasseyes Jan 14 '22

You would have been safer spending the night on a bench at the bus station than spending the night in the same house as this guy. OP, you just survived an incredibly risky situation that many people dont survive. You know you're not in a good state of mind, being with this guy has put you on anxiety medication. You need to not be anywhere near him, please take this seriously.

The first thing you should do is go stay in a safe place with people you trust. The next thing is speak to DV specialists or a woman's refuge. You're going to need serious help and support just to see this situation for what it is. Talk to the experts, they will be able to give you practical strategies (Like how to leave and not leave any clues where you've gone)

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u/collapsingwaves Jan 14 '22

He might get better, but that's none of op's business. It's time to run far, far away.

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u/bella_lucky7 Jan 14 '22

He won’t get better without serious professional intervention- this is a black and white issue (and I usually think most things are shades of gray..). It is NEVER ok to physically harm your partner, and choking them is next level. Something in this guys head told him this was ok- life is too precious to risk on someone like this. OP needs to leave and not look back.

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u/oh-hidanny Jan 14 '22

Yep!

OP, choking is a sign of a much more violent, probably fatal, upcoming attack. There are stats to back this up.

LEAVE. Do not go back, particularly after he put his hands around your throat.

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u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22

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u/discoatmyfuneral Jan 14 '22

I've read your comment multiple times and can't figure out inspired you to write it, unless the person you responded to edited their comment to say something completely different than what's currently there.

like, I feel like I have to give you the benefit of the doubt here because it would make more sense for me to have misunderstood something than it would for you to have left a comment this nonsensical and irrelevant to the one above yours and OP's post in general.

ETA is the implication with your first sentence that OP's abuser mistakenly choked her?

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u/brainparts Jan 14 '22

Not gonna shit on you but OP says he tried to choke her and then put his foot in her neck. There is a big difference between heat-of-the-moment, probably affected by several external factors (lack of sleep, stress, etc), instinctive aggressive one-time action and multiple actions, especially multiple actions that are trying to kill you. I don’t wanna hear from anyone about how choking during a fight isn’t trying to kill — it’s trying to restrict breathing, which kills you. It’s not shaking someone’s shoulders or even punching them in the face.

Not gonna discount your experiences in the system either but women are in more danger from men, especially romantic partners, than they are from almost any other source. Most men that assault women suffer no consequences at all, even when there is hard proof. Men that even make it to the system represent a tiny minority.

OP, I’ve been in abusive relationships too, and you desperately need to escape this situation. If you do I promise you’ll look back and see it for what it is, and that you deserve to feel safe in your relationship. You won’t ever feel or be safe with someone that did this to you.

Even if this dude was totally great and this was the one and only ‘bad’ thing he ever did and will do, he can’t take it back, and you can’t forget it. So many women die at the hands of their partners after they’ve gone back to them after an event like this. I know it’s hard to leave but I swear it’s worth it.

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u/drouoa Jan 14 '22

I don’t see how this is relevant unless you were falsely accused of choking your partner…but also one mistake doesn’t make someone a bad person?…so you did choke your partner? But also the system always blames men so women shouldn’t be able to press charges unless there is a witness?

All the person said to do was leave her abusive partner…

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u/Icy_Application2412 Jan 14 '22

You are making her experience about yourself and your ego. Sorry, but you are not helping here.

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u/Capathy Jan 14 '22

The jump from other physical abuse to strangulation is as significant as the jump to physical abuse itself. It’s the single greatest indicator of an eventual homicide.

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u/PrimaryMidnight9350 Jan 14 '22

Where I live choking would be a separate (or additional), more serious charge.

Edit: just thinking about it, so would grabbing the phone, if it were to prevent someone from calling for help though it sounds like that isn't the case here

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u/fridaycat Jan 14 '22 Eureka!

I worked with DV survivors for years. I want you to be a survivor, so remember this. There is always a first time, never a last time. He said you caused him to choke you? Get out now. Also, I am concerned you are in a new city. How did that happen, did he move you there away from your support system? So many red flags. Please leave while you can.

I'm also concerned that you were being choked, but the police didnt show up until the next day?

And this was a small argument?

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u/Eruionmel Jan 14 '22

I'm sure it was her parents who called the cops, not the neighbors, which is why they didn't show up until the next day.

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u/gleenglass Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

If he’s willing to choke you, he’s willing to kill you. People subjected to domestic violence by strangulation are something like 300% 700% more likely to die at the hands of their abuser. OP, please listen, he choked you. You are now at risk of a hundreds-fold increase of dying when he does it again. If you value anything about your life, get out now. Run.

Edit: Percent was worse than I remembered.

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u/kreiffer Jan 14 '22

Just happened with Gabby Petito. This girl is next if she doesn’t get the fuck away from this psycho.

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u/gingerwabisabi Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

700% times more likely :( (edit from x)

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u/CastellatedRock Jan 14 '22

7x, not 700x

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u/gingerwabisabi Jan 14 '22

You're right, I meant 700%.

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u/FeministFireant Jan 14 '22

And not just with his hands, he also put his FOOT on OP’s neck! Don’t blame yourself OP, get out while you can and do everything you need to do to prevent him from doing this to someone else, please

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u/zeocca Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Eureka!

GO TO THE ER!!

I'm having to scroll too far so I'm hijacking this comment. You need medical attention, OP!! Strangulation can cause SERIOUS, LIFE-THREATENING damage you might not notice yet.

Seek medical attention NOW!

1.3k

u/HippyFreek Jan 14 '22 Wholesome

I cannot second this enough. Please go to the ER. He put his foot on your neck. You fought back so hard he has scratches on him. You say it was all a blur. You likely will not know the extent of the damage he’s done to you for days, if not weeks. Also, the emergency room will document your injuries and those records are admissible in court.

Please don’t wait to go to the ER, and then to leave. Choking leads to murder.

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u/wonkotsane42 Jan 14 '22

THIS TOO!!

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u/INCORRIGIBLE_CUNT Jan 14 '22

100%. Just a few pounds of pressure can cause an aneurism and delayed onset problems at that. Please go to the ER.

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u/PangPingpong Jan 14 '22

Choking people when you're mad is not normal. It's criminal. He needs to be stopped before someone dies.

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u/Laszerus Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

Let me provide some perspective that might help.

My step-father is a piece of shit. He beat me up when I was about 8 years old (because I did something to annoy him, like 8 year olds do). My Mom didn't leave him then. Later on he hurt her too, tried to choke her to death with a belt from a robe before coming to his senses. There were other incidents as well.

My mom, who is a therapist ffs, continues to stay with this man. He's apparently calmed down in his old age and doesn't do these things anymore, and my Mom keeps trying to repair our relationship... but I will never, ever, forgive him for what he did to my Mom.

Imagine this guy was doing it to your Mom, would you forgive him? It doesn't matter if he's otherwise a good guy and means well, he could kill you, you just can't risk it. He needs to fix himself on his own time, not while putting you at risk.

Edit: fixed father on law mistake

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u/frogminute Jan 14 '22

You mean stepfather, right?

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u/Laszerus Jan 14 '22

Derp..yup. thanks!

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u/Own-Emergency2166 Jan 14 '22

Thank you. Any of the behaviour OP mentions from him disqualifies him from being a “good guy”. The bar is so low and he is not clearing it.

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u/freedom_oh Jan 14 '22

Nah, the bar is literally in the same ground that he's gonna end up putting her in.

Op, run and run fast. Go home to your parents. There's nothing tying you to this new city, other than him and he is a bad, bad connection to have. Value yourself, value your life. Call your parents and tell them their daughter needs to come home for a while... and while you're there, please look into therapy.

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u/GoPlacia Jan 14 '22

Yup, that bar is so low it's not even on the ground, it's 6 ft under.

I've been there, I know what it's like. Hopefully OP listens and values her life enough to get away. It's extremely hard and it can be hard for a Long time, but it's so worth it.

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u/siamesebengal Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22 Helpful

I read somewhere a couple years ago that choking was the most reported type of marital violence that preceded male-on-female homocide/murder. The article essentially said, without explicitly claiming, that if you’ve been choked your chances of being murdered increased by something like a hundred fold. It’s just one of those signs that should always be taken as an absolute final conclusion to the question "should I leave", where hitting, however grotesque, wasn’t AS correlated.

I’ve been through this before. I left when they were in jail (which was longer than normal because they found drugs in their system). The fallout was insane with their family trying to get my family to believe I was at fault for instigating, but it was a growing pattern that I had just been quiet about other than telling a neighbor once who was listening— I went over to her apartment and cried for an hour once. Anyway, I moved to a new state and other than them accidentally liking a post I made somewhere a few years later, and their sibling staying in touch with me for years (really weird), I never heard from them again and it all just went away. It’s now been 10 years and I’ve never had another situation arise like this, confirming that I don’t cause it. I hope they’re doing well because if this stuff continued they will end up hurting someone and in real trouble. Point is, you can do it. I believe in you.

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u/Soundwave_640 Jan 14 '22

yeah this is so scary. I(m) have never once thought that some type of violence towards my SO was ever even a consideration. If he is willing to resort to violence for any other reason than defending himself for his(or loved ones) life, he's not a good guy.

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u/downer240 Jan 14 '22

I stopped reading after he choked her. That’s domestic violence. Done.

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u/beibigousts Jan 14 '22

this cannot be emphasized enough. he’s a piece of shit.

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u/saltwaterblue Jan 14 '22

exactly this. Your next time could be your last, OP. Abusers will always say it's your fault, even if they are trying to "apologize". Everything he says is a lie. Leave now.

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u/HelmSpicy Jan 14 '22

The worst part is her saying he kept coming down, sometimes apologetic and sometimes argumentative, AND THEN she even tried to go apologize because she thought it would smooth things over...after he choked and stepped on her throat...he could have killed her and still convinced her with his wild slew of emotions that she was the bad-guy for "upsetting him".

This guy honestly believes that and that he was justified. He probably thinks "She made me mad and when I tried to hold her back she viciously clawed at me so I HAD to use my foot to protect myself!"

These people don't see themselves as bad people and are awesome at convincing others of the same despite doing shit like this. It is unacceptable and there's no helping it or changing it. People in relationships will fight, that's a fact, but when one turns it violent it needs to end.

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u/LadyBug_0570 Jan 14 '22

AND PUT HIS FOOT ON HER NECK.

But he's "a good guy". WTF????

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u/FrostyDiscipline9071 Jan 14 '22

I’m a man (58) married for 32 years and I’ve NEVER choked my wife or any other woman for any reason. And we’ve had our moments. I’ve been beyond pissed off. It’s not a normal thing to do to anyone. Ever. It’s not your fault or responsibility. It’s all on him. I hope you’re doing well now.

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u/Sea_Mathematician_84 Jan 14 '22

People really want to believe other people they know and care for are good deep down.

The truth is not everyone is good, not even deep down. Some people will hurt you for fun and sleep like a baby.

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u/1d10 Jan 14 '22

I fucking hate seeing people say "oh such and such is realy a good person, it's just that sometimes...." fuck that, good people don't do shitty things " sometimes " what you have is a shitty person who is sometimes good.

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u/Nix-geek Jan 14 '22

Piggy back on this, any time you lose consciousness for blows to the head or loss of oxygen, you are extremely close to death.

It isn't something to just muck around with.

He tried to kill OP.

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u/itirnitii Jan 14 '22

the bar for men is INCREDIBLY low if somehow choking your partner doesnt automatically exclude you from being a "good guy".

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u/Benozkleenex Jan 14 '22

Jesus I myself don't know If I could be classified as a Good guy, like I don't like to cook so she does most of the time or sometimes I leave my stuff around. But If I ever put my foot on my wife neck for any reason other than a freak accident, one thing I would be sure is that I am a Scumbag.

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u/Frenchgulcher Jan 14 '22

If someone chokes you then they don’t like you.

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u/BiceRankyman Jan 14 '22

Honestly I don't even feel like anyone needs to elaborate beyond this. This is enough. The guy isn't a good guy. Leave him.

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u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/goldfish13458389 Jan 15 '22

You know how sometimes you’ll go see a movie and right during all the important scenes, some baby will just start babbling nonsense?

That’s what your comment is to this thread. Read the room, idiot.

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u/BizzarduousTask Jan 14 '22

Gross. Read the room, asshole.

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u/Slut-for-HEAs Jan 14 '22

Not the time or place to talk about kink. (Also as a safety psa, choking as a kink should almost never be done because it is intrinsically safe. Even the most informed people using the best practices can accidentally kill or cause permanent brain damage to their partner. If you have to do breath play, either mimic it by putting a hand there but not actually squeezing or by covering the nostrils and mouth as that's far easier to control and react to.)

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u/Im-bibitch Jan 14 '22

That is not relevant at all to this post. Obviously it wasn’t consensual if it violent and to inflict pain.

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u/igothitbyacar Jan 15 '22

Dude… it’s called context clues. Does anything about this read as “kinky sexy time choking” to you? Are you that dull or just a pathetic edge lord?

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u/laserdollars420 Jan 14 '22

Why would you think this was an appropriate time and place to bring this up?