r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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u/PM_ME_HAPPY_MEMORIES Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22 Gold Helpful Wholesome Starry Helpful (Pro)

It has been well documented that an abusers next step after choking is murder. Your boyfriend is one very small step away from taking your life. Please don’t ever go back to him, and find a therapist to try and understand why you are struggling with this. You deserve so much better.






u/vyrago Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22 This

Your neighbors, or whomever actually called the police may have saved your life.


u/kermitmyfrog Jan 14 '22


Please listen OP. Choking is a massively important warning sign.


u/Ifuckfreshouttafucks Jan 14 '22

It’s the number 1 predictor of a situation turning deadly!


u/Princesskaylacakes Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

Agreed. I am a psychotic male with schizoaffective, I 100% can control my angry urges and would never ever choke my wife even when going through bad psychosis.

This man needs mental help, OP please try and convince him to find a decent inpatient care facility. It saved my life going to a good one.

Edit to add: try to convince him over the phone or through text. NOT IN PERSON

Double edit: as everyone has said, probably best not to contact him. However unless he chooses help on his own he will be 5150'd and his chances of going to a shitty inpatient care facility are way higher, which could lead to him doing nothing but getting worse. Speaking from experience


u/HighonDoughnuts Jan 14 '22

The abusive boyfriend’s mental health is not OP’s responsibility. OP needs to get to a safe place ASAP and get therapy started for herself.

I think you mean well but in a situation where OP was being strangled and her neck stepped on and kicked the perpetrator’s mental health is not her problem. She is not his parents. Because he is arrested for violence like this I’m sure the court system will make him be in therapy and maybe group counseling.

Again-contacting the abuser, even by phone, not in person etc, is NOT a good idea.


u/a_duck_in_past_life Jan 14 '22

Getting him help could save the life of the next woman he is in a relationship with. It's not about him. It's about those he endangers


u/bettermakethatdecaf Jan 14 '22

It could also sabotage her ability to cut ties with him.


u/HighonDoughnuts Jan 14 '22

The courts will make sure he gets into therapy.

His family can be responsible for him. I’m saying OP does not and should not contact him at all.

NONE of this is OP’s responsibility. She did nothing to deserve this treatment and it is not her fault that this happened.


u/FFD1706 Jan 14 '22

Nope nope nope. She shouldn't contact him at all.


u/fuzzgirl619 Jan 14 '22

While I agree that good mental health care is clearly necessary for this man, and it can be totally life-changing and should be available to all, it is NOT OP's job to convince him that he needs to go. Any contact with bf (even from a distance) is only going to be an opportunity for him to further guilt and gaslight her and draw her back in to his sphere of abuse.

OP, your bf's arrest is NOT your fault or your responsibility. He could have easily KILLED you, and he deserves to face the consequences of that. He is not a "good man" who made an honest mistake; he INTENTIONALLY used violence to intimidate and control you. Go to your parents' and do not look back. Do not ever speak to this man again. Save yourself. You deserve to be safe.


u/DumbleForeSkin Jan 14 '22

Fuck, no, cut all contact, OP. His mental health is not your problem.


u/jaydoes Jan 14 '22

And he will hurt her no question.


u/TheDocJ Jan 14 '22

You sound like you take responsibility for your own mental health issues.

If (and, with plenty of professional experience of mental illness, I would say that it is a very big If) his behaviour is anything to do with a mental illness rather than him being a total piece of shit, then he is the one who needs to take responsibility for it. Not OP.


u/Princesskaylacakes Jan 14 '22

I agree, his actions are inexcusable mental illness or not.

I just feel for him as I've been 5150'd in the past and I was sent to a pretty bad place. When I chose to go willfully I was able to select a place I liked


u/cherrymeg2 Jan 14 '22

Her safety and health need to be put first. Police can deal with his mental state. Right now she needs to take care of her own. Abusers almost brainwash you into believing them. Gaslighting and emotional abuse are damaging. Some people are dangerous. Forcing someone to get help that isn’t suffering from delusions or paranoia because of mental illness is usually a waste of time. Sociopaths with narcissistic tendencies which many abusers are tend to be believable many are highly successful but the ones that are abusive or dangerous don’t see that they need help. They also are hard to treat. There isn’t medication that makes you empathize with others.


u/berecyntia Jan 14 '22

Please listen to this, OP. You can't "not on purpose" choke someone with your foot on their neck. That's a deliberate act, and the next escalation is murder. He is not a good guy. He has never been a good guy. He has just done a grand job of gaslighting you into believing he is. Get out now.


u/RockStarState Jan 14 '22 Helpful

Get out now.

Just a heads up, as someone who survived this exact scenario not too long ago -

"Get out now" is actually always bad advice. When you're planning to escape an abusive relationship a very important part of it is the plan to get out and risk assessment, because if you do it wrong you can die.

There are tools online to risk assess, and the only reason I survived was because I was able to make a plan with my therapist that minimized a risk to my safety.


u/gugalgirl Jan 14 '22

This is true, but if bf is in jail, it's actually the best time for OP to escape and go into hiding.

OP, if you can get a another city with DV services or DV services in your current area please do. They can help with housing, getting a restraining order and other resources. They may even have an emergency shelter.


u/RockStarState Jan 14 '22

Yup, but also be prepared to get a PO box. They'll need your address when the state presses charges and a PO box keeps you safer so your address is not on any documents he could see


u/barrychapman Jan 14 '22

happy cake day!


u/birdmommy Jan 14 '22

But if he’s in jail at the moment, isn’t now the best time to get out? She has a chance to go through her stuff, get important documents, etc. and just be gone by the time he gets released.


u/RockStarState Jan 14 '22

But if he’s in jail at the moment, isn’t now the best time to get out?

Yes, and no. Only OP knows her situation. From what we know it looks good, but it's not the safest thing for us to give that advice without knowing the full picture.

I was also speaking more generally than anything - whenever you have someone talk about an abusive relationship a lot of people's first reaction is the "just get out now" rhetoric as if it is 1. Safe and 2. Actually possible. It's always best to offer support and leave it up the professionals!

It's also important to make sure you educate yourself on how to talk to survivors - "just get out" is pretty much universally on the "things not to say" list - especially to a stranger.


u/birdmommy Jan 14 '22

Thank you for the explanation!


u/barrychapman Jan 14 '22

happy cake day!


u/drakmordis Jan 14 '22

If the guy is in custody now, then now is a fine time


u/Nakedstar Jan 14 '22

This. I was expecting some stupid little misunderstanding by the title, not him attempting to kill OP.


u/barrychapman Jan 14 '22

lots of cake dayers here. happy cake day!


u/TootsNYC Jan 14 '22

Especially with his foot on her neck. That bothers me somehow even more than if he put his hands on her neck. it’s such a dominance move


u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22

Putting your foot on someone's neck isn't a dominance move, it's a kill move. You don't do that unless you want them to stop breathing.


u/cherrymeg2 Jan 14 '22

That’s what I was thinking. If your head is on the floor you are down why would he step on your neck. He could have killed her.


u/BEZthePEZ Jan 14 '22

Exactly , huge huge difference between dominance and killing


u/Mtnskydancer Jan 14 '22

And weirdly it’s a porn “thing” Horrible.


u/Mediocre-Reference98 Jan 14 '22

People can consent to a lot of stuff. It's when it is nonconsensual that's the problem.


u/mermaidbait Jan 14 '22

Consent to getting killed? Is that even a thing?


u/Mediocre-Reference98 Jan 14 '22

Please don't take my comment out of context.

u/Mtnskydancer stated: "And weirdly its a porn "thing" Horrible."

I stated

"People can consent to a lot of stuff. It's when it's non-consensual that's the problem"

Putting your foot on someones neck in the context of the Op was nothing about being a dominance move, it was a threat to kill. However the BDSM community does have plenty of people who have a kink of having their head stepped on (usually very lightly)... it's why it's a thing in porn. I wouldn't say it is domination, I'd say sadomasochism. As long as no harm occurs, it is usually legal to consent to, but that doesn't mean someone is allowed to do it without your consent.

I hope that clarifies the matter somewhat. Happy to clarify further.


u/Cosette_Valjean Jan 14 '22

Why are all porn things just repackaged violence against women? Choking, gagging, name calling, bondage, age play.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to kink shame. Just wondering at how they're formed.


u/WilliamNearToronto Jan 14 '22

The “porn thing” is squeezing the side of the neck. That’s not how you strangle someone. It does not impede breathing. And importantly, it’s only with consent.


u/CrystalAsuna Jan 14 '22

Consent and context is a really big thing here dude.


u/Powerful_Village2508 Jan 14 '22

For real. That’s some serious shit. Not only he choked her, in an emotional fit; he backed off long enough to change positions and step on her neck, too? Frankly, that’s terrifying. No self-control whatsoever. No self-awareness either. I’d like to step on his neck. He’s a real piece of work.


u/gingerwabisabi Jan 14 '22

Actually, it's worse. I bet you money he's never destroyed any items he owns or choked a boss. She needs to realize this is 1000000% a CHOICE he makes. This man HATES her and is working up to murdering her. There is NO saving him. He LIKES being this way.



This SO MUCH. I always tell my clients when they say “he just lost control” “would he do this to a coworker, a best friend, or his boss?”


u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

[removed] — view removed comment


u/ecp001 Jan 14 '22

Yes, he will kill her but he will then insist that he didn't mean to but it was her fault for making him so mad.



Agreed, it’s terrifying.


u/SaffronBurke Jan 14 '22

Yeah, that's literally attempted murder at that point.


u/laur3en Jan 14 '22

This morning though, the police came. I guess the neigbhors called. They ended up taking him away in handcuffs.

This is the best thing that has ever happened to you, trust me.


u/Aromataser Jan 14 '22

OP, stepping on your neck is the real boyfriend. Him being nice to you is a mask.

You will be much safer without him. The farther away the better. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect.


u/RowdyBunny18 Jan 14 '22

I wish someone told me this 25 years ago. Man I let the bad stuff slide because I focused on the good. The good, was a lie.


u/Amythist35 Jan 14 '22

Yeah necks are so very fragile. It's a tube containing other tunes that carry bold oxygen and food to the rest of your body. One wrong move one twig snap of a fragile nerve and your no longer here.


u/redpatcher Jan 14 '22

There's a reason advocates have lobbied state governments to make choking a felony and/or it's own specific crime.



u/Ch4l1t0 Jan 14 '22

Not on purpose bc i really do feel he is a good guy

In no way shape or form in any universe that I know of is putting his foot on your neck something a "good guy" would do. Ever. For any reason at all.

I don't care how much you scratched him, if you insulted him and how much, or whatever else you did or didn't. NOTHING warrants his foot on your neck. Absolutely NOTHING.


u/yoda_mcfly Jan 14 '22

^ OP, it is not your fault he gets angry in this way. It sucks for him that he's in jail, but he's there because of what he, a grown ass man, did. It is not your fault, please do not get yourself killed feeling guilty for an abuser.


u/Zelldandy Jan 14 '22

Can confirm. Was strangled a lot. Escalated to plausible murder-suicide threat with a knife pulled.

Not fun.



I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are completely safe now and have been able to process it in some way. It sounds absolutely terrifying.


u/darthjazzhands Jan 14 '22

Please listen to this advice, OP. Break the cycle now and do not go back to him. You’ve done nothing wrong and he won’t change. Please move on, get the help you need to recognize the warning signs of abusers.


u/momplaysbass Jan 14 '22

I had a client who had a habit of choking his women when he got frustrated. He's in prison for choking one to death. GET OUT NOW!!


u/nomadzebra Jan 14 '22

Does his choke people at work? Put his foot on his family's neck? Choke people in public, no? Then he can perfectly control his anger he just knows he can get away with it with you. Stop letting him


u/Dogzillas_Mom Jan 14 '22

That’s what happened to Gabby Petito. OP please get yourself somewhere safe as soon as possible. This guy WILL kill you.


u/princessfret Jan 14 '22

also please file a restraining order. I am almost in tears for you 😥😥 all the best OP and please let us know you’re ok??


u/efvie Jan 14 '22

All of this plus go get checked out at a hospital ASAP (the cops really should’ve taken you as it is) plus make sure he gets brought up on charges.

There are no — none, zero — excuses for what he did. Even if you had instigated. I’m not sure exactly how that would be possible, but even if you had.


u/Pahlevun Jan 14 '22

It has been well documented that an abusers next step after choking is murder.

You got any links where I can read up on that?

Not that it surprises me that someone who is mentally capable of choking a loved one out of anger, could also commit a crime such as murder... It's just that I had never heard that and it sounds "interesting".


u/questionableK Jan 14 '22

100%. OPs next step is making sure he stays in jail with her video evidence.


u/timingandscoring Jan 14 '22

Could not have been more succinct and to the point, fabulous advice. Well done.



I’m a bit overwhelmed with the response I’ve got honestly, I just want to be sure that OP is safe and I will be following up tomorrow.


u/Danaaaa13 Jan 14 '22

…wait really? like every time? my ex choked me (i ended up staying with him for a lot longer cause he convinced me it was all my fault



Well, it definitely wasn’t your fault. I don’t think we can know enough to say if it escalates with every abuser, but it’s extremely common and is a known pattern of behaviour.



u/Checkai Jan 14 '22

It is good to know that its well documented, can you point me in the direction so I can read more?


u/YogurtclosetHot4021 Jan 14 '22

If he blackouts while getting aggressive it's only going to be seconds and she'll be dead.


u/Ancient-Abs Jan 14 '22

There is no such thing as "angry blackouts". Every single time a man abuses a woman, he makes the conscious choice. Research on domestic violence has proven this time and time again. He's not out of control. He is making a choice to hurt her. That type of language is used to justify abuse like this


u/FFD1706 Jan 14 '22

So true. Blackout is just an excuse. He knows what he did the whole time.


u/Bleusilences Jan 14 '22

And even if he is really a good guy, he has issues and a darkness inside him that he can't control.