r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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u/Thatcsibloke Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22 Silver Gold Platinum Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Rocket Like To The Stars Eureka! Helpful (Pro) Awesome Answer

It is categorically NOT your fault, the blame lies only with him. Take a step back and re-read some of those things you’ve written.

Choking me

Put his foot on my neck

I could die

He doesn’t realise how angry he gets

Blaming me for everything

Sometimes he was aggressive

I went upstairs to apologise

He said I was abusive

All my fault for getting him mad

I’m on anti-anxiety medication

I blame myself

He is programming you to believe you are at fault and you are falling into his trap. It’s interesting that you’re “in a new city” because isolation from family and friends is often engineered by offenders. He knows what he has been doing and he’s gaslighting you by blaming you. He is a violent bully, he is a domestic abuser, he is not your boyfriend. He is a monster and a loser, and you need to take advantage of his arrest and leave. If you don’t have the strength, then get your parents (and a shelter or the police) to help.

Get out for your own safety, and don’t look back.

Edit: wow. The old inbox has blown up and my iPad has caught fire. I’m trying to thank everyone for their awards but my management is poor! If I don’t thank you personally, know that I am grateful, but there are other people on here making great comments, and they deserve your attention! Together, we might convince the OP that she is not to blame, and that it’s time to get out, especially while her bullying partner is in the cells. Having read some of the comments on here I can see that academic research is warning of murder (700% more likely) and that message is critical for all women in relationships (and some men, who make up about 1 in 10 domestic violence victims).

To all of you who have difficult relationships, know this: we tell women to lock their doors and windows at night to keep out the bogeyman, but doing so means you are locking yourself in with the person who is most likely to kill you.


u/Wytetiger Jan 14 '22

I would also like to add “I tend to gaslight myself”… how much of that is him?


u/amzism Jan 14 '22

The best gaslighters will gaslight you into thinking that you gaslight yourself.


u/Thatcsibloke Jan 14 '22

Most of it I bet.


u/GunNNife Jan 15 '22

I'm sure he gaslights her into thinking she's gaslighting herself.


u/DebDestroyerTX Jan 14 '22

I do this too, thanks to a narcissistic father and resulting CPTSD.


u/LadyMachar Jan 14 '22 Starry Awesome Answer

Many kudos to thatcsibloke...really well said.

OP: you were recording the fight? Tells me you knew something wasn't right. Not sure if this will help, but listen to it and hear what he heard when he was choking you.....good guys intervene (like your neighbours) when someone chokes out a loved one.

You were fighting for your life - don't agree with anything less than that.

The fact that you are even asking these questions here, tells me you already know all of this...be brave a little longer...his arrest is an opportunity to leave. You can do it.


u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 15 '22 Starry

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u/Lettuphant Jan 14 '22

Can confirm, moving a partner to a location away from all their support networks and family is common. I've had friends moved into the middle of the countryside and impregnated, before they come to terms with them being an abuser 4 years later and having nowhere to go.


u/Thatcsibloke Jan 14 '22

I said it because it happened to a friend of mine. He chased her for years, then built her a beauty parlour on a farm in a remote rural area where there was virtually no hope of getting customers. She was basically a prisoner.


u/golfkartinacoma Jan 14 '22

That is a truth is stranger than fiction horror story!


u/Shmeves Jan 14 '22

I'm literally watching my best friend go through with it right now. She got out of rehab and married a guy twice her age only having starting dating him a week before rehab.

Thinks I'm crazy and jealous she found someone and he's amazing.

Yet they argue every night or most nights. He supposedly has money and gets expensive diners with her but can't afford new furniture as theyre moving intk his moms basement. He works as a tattoo artist. Went with work with covid no mask.

He reads all her messages and responds for her sometimes. And he says she has to cut off all her friends as it's sacrifice and people who are married sacrifice for each other.

I don't know how to get thru to her it's so upsetting she's throwing it all away. He's giving her free tattoos and that's half the reason she's staying I bet. Promising to make her famous. He's semi famous too.

Piece of shit. They started dating cause he hit her up after having a crush on her since she was 16 (she's 24 now) begging to fuck for a free tattoo.

Sorry had to vent it's frustrating watching a Trainwreck and knowing it's coming but unable to stop it.


u/dogshitchantal Jan 14 '22

Please read and re-read this OP. He choked you, he could kill you. Please start seeking help to get out of this situation, he has already choked you, you are in danger.

You don't deserve this treatment, none of this is your fault.


u/cassarlex Jan 14 '22

No "good guy" puts his foot on his SO's neck.

He's scum.

Get out.


u/EnchantedPancake Jan 14 '22

Thank you. This alone is enough for me.


u/slightly-specific Jan 14 '22


Confirming that you should GET OUT NOW! Don't look back. Don't listen to his manipulations. Trust what you know and not what he says.


u/dop4mine Jan 14 '22

This!!! OP read this!!


u/Bigfatuglybugfacebby Jan 14 '22

Hijacking to add that none of this makes you a stupid person OP. There have been incredibly valuable and potentially world changing individuals that we as a species have lost at the hands of the worst of us. Literal millennia of senseless persecution throughout a myriad of cultures and the saddest part is that right now, today is the closest we have ever gotten to acknowledging this sickness.


u/BigYonsan Jan 14 '22

Get out for your own safety, and don’t look back.

Get out for your own safety and press charges.

FTFY. Everything else is right.

Tell the police you want to press charges and request their help getting the restraining order started.

It's for your own protection. Keep him locked up so he can't come hurt you again and blame you for it when he kills you.


u/GingerIsTheBestSpice Jan 14 '22

Well said! Take my free award! Yeah it's wholesome but it's what i have, and this comment is GOOD. OP please listen to this one.


u/lost-x-puppet Jan 14 '22

If I had awards I would give you one! So well put 👏


u/SweetLoh Jan 14 '22

Everything to this! It's so hard to see that he is truly at fault here when she's been abused and condition to think it's always her fault but OP needs to get the fuck out of there asap. He's in jail right now, now is the time to book it.


u/zoeytrixx Jan 14 '22

Don't forget the part where she said he really is a good guy!

Girl I've been there. He's NOT a good guy. It's hard to believe when you're with him, but I promise after you've had some time away from him you'll see what a terrible person he is.


u/mofa90277 Jan 14 '22

Agreed; OP must get away from this guy! This is how nearly all DV victims talk!


u/oxfordclubciggies Jan 14 '22

This is 1 billion percent correct. DO NOT make excuses. He has shown you his true colors. This is who he is FUNDAMENTALLY! Get out now while you can!!!


u/justanordinarygirl Jan 14 '22

Major Gabby Petito vibes.


u/Cute-Fact-4867 Jan 14 '22

This is awesome advice. I speak from a position of experience, and I think you should run, far and fast. Without intervention and counselling this will not stop, it will in fact get worse, and I think that you are in a state of denial about what domestic violence is. Please stay well, and get help, even if he doesn’t want to!


u/Sampo24 Jan 14 '22

Soooooooo much this.


u/flontru Jan 14 '22

Yeah OP please read this.


u/Clusterclucked Jan 14 '22

LISTEN TO THIS op. DO NOT go back to this guy.