r/TwoXChromosomes 13d ago Helpful 14 Wholesome 12 Hugz 1 Take My Energy 1 Silver 18

My boyfriend just got arrested for domestic violence and i dont know what to do. Support /r/all

Last night, we got into such a small fight, but i was annoyed so I was packing a suitcase to go to my parents. Then he came upstairs and it's all such a blur, but things escalated to where he grabbed my phone (I was recording because when this sort of thing happens i tend to gaslight myself a lot) and started choking me and put his foot on my neck. That's when it hit me that I could die. Not on purpose bc i really do feel he is a good guy, but when he is angry, sometimes i feel he doesn't eealize how angry he gets.

I called my parents and he even talked to them a little, blaming me for everything. He had a lot of scratches on his face and chest from when he was choking me. I ended up trying to get a hotel for the night, but I'm alone in a new city and it was close to 3. I couldnt find one. So, I came home and slept on the couch. He came downstairs a few times to talk (sometimes he was agggressive, sometimes he really seemed to care) and i even went upstairs to talk and apologize, but he blatantly called me abusive and said it was all my fault for getting him mad. This sort of thing has happened with us before and I used to believe him when he blamed me, but I've been on anti anxiety medication for a few months now which has really changed how i react emotionally and I knew I didn't instigate him.

Well, we slept it off and i was planning on grabbing as much as i could and going to my parents house and never seeing him again. This morning though, the police came. I guess the neigbhors called. They ended up taking him away in handcuffs. Its been a few hours now and I can't help but blame myself. Idk what to do.

Update - hi everyone. i honestly didnt expect to get so many responses and ive been overwhelmed to say the least. my dad is flying down soon and we are going to grab as much as we can and drive to my parents home. I'll probably lie low and go to therapy, etc. i am honestly still in shock and processing a lot of what has happened. I do want to thank everyone who has been so kind. I did feel really guilty about him going to jail so a lot of these comments really helped validate my feelings that i was in the right and not being crazy and I appreciate that a lot. apparently his bail has been posted by his dad and the lawyers are not letting him come home until my dad and i leave so that's good. I will probably look into a restaining order in the morning. thanks again for all the responses i feel bad i couldnt reply to any individually, but im still processing a lot / crying / shaking idk. The worst thing is i have actually offered to go to anger management classes w him multiple times and he never would even entertain it. but thank you everyone again. /:

Update 2 - thank you everyone who has commented or messaged. Your support has helped me through this so so much. I have moved out and blocked everywhere. I'm going to get medical care in the morning as well as a restraining order and will most likely press charges. I can't respond to every commenter, but know that i have been reading through and it means a lot.

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u/EMLightcap 13d ago Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Bravo! Starstruck Bless Up Helpful (Pro)

Please leave. And read the book Why Does He Do That. You need to learn to recognize the early signs of abuse in a relationship so this doesn’t happen to you again. It doesn’t matter if he is a good guy - he still did this and can’t control himself. That makes him dangerous and he will not change. And for the love of all things - DO NOT HAVE A CHILD with this man. My brother who was 22 killed himself after years of witnessing domestic violence against my mother perpetrated by his father (my step father) and suffering emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from him too. The worst thing you can do is get involved with an abusive man. It starts generations of trauma.

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u/fervazesc 13d ago

I am so sorry this happened.

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u/Thatcsibloke 13d ago edited 12d ago Silver Gold Platinum Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Rocket Like To The Stars Eureka! Helpful (Pro) Awesome Answer

It is categorically NOT your fault, the blame lies only with him. Take a step back and re-read some of those things you’ve written.

Choking me

Put his foot on my neck

I could die

He doesn’t realise how angry he gets

Blaming me for everything

Sometimes he was aggressive

I went upstairs to apologise

He said I was abusive

All my fault for getting him mad

I’m on anti-anxiety medication

I blame myself

He is programming you to believe you are at fault and you are falling into his trap. It’s interesting that you’re “in a new city” because isolation from family and friends is often engineered by offenders. He knows what he has been doing and he’s gaslighting you by blaming you. He is a violent bully, he is a domestic abuser, he is not your boyfriend. He is a monster and a loser, and you need to take advantage of his arrest and leave. If you don’t have the strength, then get your parents (and a shelter or the police) to help.

Get out for your own safety, and don’t look back.

Edit: wow. The old inbox has blown up and my iPad has caught fire. I’m trying to thank everyone for their awards but my management is poor! If I don’t thank you personally, know that I am grateful, but there are other people on here making great comments, and they deserve your attention! Together, we might convince the OP that she is not to blame, and that it’s time to get out, especially while her bullying partner is in the cells. Having read some of the comments on here I can see that academic research is warning of murder (700% more likely) and that message is critical for all women in relationships (and some men, who make up about 1 in 10 domestic violence victims).

To all of you who have difficult relationships, know this: we tell women to lock their doors and windows at night to keep out the bogeyman, but doing so means you are locking yourself in with the person who is most likely to kill you.

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u/Wytetiger 12d ago

I would also like to add “I tend to gaslight myself”… how much of that is him?

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u/amzism 12d ago

The best gaslighters will gaslight you into thinking that you gaslight yourself.

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u/Thatcsibloke 12d ago

Most of it I bet.

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u/GunNNife 12d ago

I'm sure he gaslights her into thinking she's gaslighting herself.

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u/LadyMachar 12d ago Starry Awesome Answer

Many kudos to thatcsibloke...really well said.

OP: you were recording the fight? Tells me you knew something wasn't right. Not sure if this will help, but listen to it and hear what he heard when he was choking you.....good guys intervene (like your neighbours) when someone chokes out a loved one.

You were fighting for your life - don't agree with anything less than that.

The fact that you are even asking these questions here, tells me you already know all of this...be brave a little longer...his arrest is an opportunity to leave. You can do it.

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u/[deleted] 12d ago edited 12d ago Starry

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u/Lettuphant 12d ago

Can confirm, moving a partner to a location away from all their support networks and family is common. I've had friends moved into the middle of the countryside and impregnated, before they come to terms with them being an abuser 4 years later and having nowhere to go.

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u/Thatcsibloke 12d ago

I said it because it happened to a friend of mine. He chased her for years, then built her a beauty parlour on a farm in a remote rural area where there was virtually no hope of getting customers. She was basically a prisoner.

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u/golfkartinacoma 12d ago

That is a truth is stranger than fiction horror story!

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u/dogshitchantal 12d ago

Please read and re-read this OP. He choked you, he could kill you. Please start seeking help to get out of this situation, he has already choked you, you are in danger.

You don't deserve this treatment, none of this is your fault.

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u/cassarlex 12d ago

No "good guy" puts his foot on his SO's neck.

He's scum.

Get out.

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u/slightly-specific 12d ago

This.

Confirming that you should GET OUT NOW! Don't look back. Don't listen to his manipulations. Trust what you know and not what he says.

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u/dop4mine 12d ago

This!!! OP read this!!

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u/Bigfatuglybugfacebby 12d ago

Hijacking to add that none of this makes you a stupid person OP. There have been incredibly valuable and potentially world changing individuals that we as a species have lost at the hands of the worst of us. Literal millennia of senseless persecution throughout a myriad of cultures and the saddest part is that right now, today is the closest we have ever gotten to acknowledging this sickness.

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u/g00ber88 13d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy This Tearing Up Helpful (Pro)

he really is a good guy

NO HE AINT

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u/Feebedel324 12d ago edited 12d ago Helpful

“Put his foot on my neck” and “good guy” do not go together.

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u/comedian42 12d ago

I agree. But while it's obvious to us, it might not be to someone in an abusive relationship. Abusers are very good at changing your expectations slowly over time and eroding what you view as normal. OP mentioned "gaslighting herself" which is often indicative of ongoing manipulation/gaslighting by the partner. It's not uncommon for someone to be self-aware that not trusting their own thoughts isn't normal, but be fully convinced that it is somehow their own fault.

OP, you might find it helpful to have a friend/trusted person read this post to you out loud in the first person. It's often easier to identify the abuse as well as your own breakdown in logic when you can externalize it.

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u/HavocsReach 12d ago Silver Helpful

GUY HERE CHECKING IN, WE DON'T JUST CHOKE PEOPLE WHEN WE'RE MAD. THAT BOY AIN'T RIGHT.

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u/GaydolphShitler 12d ago edited 12d ago

Can confirm; I have put my foot on precisely zero people's necks when angry.

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u/amphibious-dolphin 12d ago

Was gonna say: you are gaslighting yourself on this post rn. For the love of god stay safe OP and get that restraining order!!

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u/AKravr 12d ago All-Seeing Upvote

This 1000%, at best he's seeing how much abuse you can take because that's what he enjoys. If he's choking you he will most likely kill you one day. It's the biggest prediction of domestic murder.

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u/psykick32 12d ago

Right?

I was like... HOL' UP what did you say?

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u/honeyrrsted 12d ago

"he really is a good guy" and "he almost choked me to death cause he got a little angry" are sorta mutually exclusive.

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u/burtslug246 12d ago

THANK YOU! OP, if this man doesn't realize how angry he gets in the moment, then there's nothing stopping him from taking it too far next time. Don't let there be a next time. He put his damn foot on your neck, ffs. Please understand that you should never have to be in this situation, even if you're arguing.

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u/tarynator 12d ago

This is all that needs to be said.

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u/GeonnCannon 12d ago All-Seeing Upvote

There's no such thing as a good guy who occasionally hits their partner. There are only abusers who can sometimes/briefly hide it.

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u/AlpsComplex6854 12d ago All-Seeing Upvote

Also: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He and he alone is responsible for his actions.

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u/madguins 12d ago

Seriously. OP if your best friend told you this story would you tell her to stay with the man who choked her because he seems nice otherwise? If yes, youre a shit friend. If no, why would you do otherwise?

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u/PM_ME_HAPPY_MEMORIES 13d ago edited 12d ago Gold Helpful Wholesome Starry Helpful (Pro)

It has been well documented that an abusers next step after choking is murder. Your boyfriend is one very small step away from taking your life. Please don’t ever go back to him, and find a therapist to try and understand why you are struggling with this. You deserve so much better.

https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/strangulation-the-red-flag-of-domestic-violence-that-we-never-discuss/

https://www.mobileodt.com/blog/taking-your-breath-away-why-strangulation-in-domestic-violence-is-a-huge-red-flag/

https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/8426282002

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/

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u/vyrago 12d ago edited 12d ago This

Your neighbors, or whomever actually called the police may have saved your life.

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u/kermitmyfrog 13d ago

^

Please listen OP. Choking is a massively important warning sign.

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u/Ifuckfreshouttafucks 12d ago

It’s the number 1 predictor of a situation turning deadly!

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u/berecyntia 13d ago

Please listen to this, OP. You can't "not on purpose" choke someone with your foot on their neck. That's a deliberate act, and the next escalation is murder. He is not a good guy. He has never been a good guy. He has just done a grand job of gaslighting you into believing he is. Get out now.

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u/Nakedstar 12d ago

This. I was expecting some stupid little misunderstanding by the title, not him attempting to kill OP.

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u/TootsNYC 13d ago

Especially with his foot on her neck. That bothers me somehow even more than if he put his hands on her neck. it’s such a dominance move

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u/AnonLadyThor 13d ago

Putting your foot on someone's neck isn't a dominance move, it's a kill move. You don't do that unless you want them to stop breathing.

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u/cherrymeg2 12d ago

That’s what I was thinking. If your head is on the floor you are down why would he step on your neck. He could have killed her.

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u/BEZthePEZ 12d ago

Exactly , huge huge difference between dominance and killing

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u/Powerful_Village2508 12d ago

For real. That’s some serious shit. Not only he choked her, in an emotional fit; he backed off long enough to change positions and step on her neck, too? Frankly, that’s terrifying. No self-control whatsoever. No self-awareness either. I’d like to step on his neck. He’s a real piece of work.

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u/gingerwabisabi 12d ago

Actually, it's worse. I bet you money he's never destroyed any items he owns or choked a boss. She needs to realize this is 1000000% a CHOICE he makes. This man HATES her and is working up to murdering her. There is NO saving him. He LIKES being this way.

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u/INCORRIGIBLE_CUNT 12d ago

This SO MUCH. I always tell my clients when they say “he just lost control” “would he do this to a coworker, a best friend, or his boss?”

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u/[deleted] 12d ago edited 12d ago

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u/ecp001 12d ago

Yes, he will kill her but he will then insist that he didn't mean to but it was her fault for making him so mad.

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u/PM_ME_HAPPY_MEMORIES 13d ago

Agreed, it’s terrifying.

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u/SaffronBurke 12d ago

Yeah, that's literally attempted murder at that point.

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u/laur3en 12d ago

This morning though, the police came. I guess the neigbhors called. They ended up taking him away in handcuffs.

This is the best thing that has ever happened to you, trust me.

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u/Aromataser 12d ago

OP, stepping on your neck is the real boyfriend. Him being nice to you is a mask.

You will be much safer without him. The farther away the better. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect.

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u/RowdyBunny18 12d ago

I wish someone told me this 25 years ago. Man I let the bad stuff slide because I focused on the good. The good, was a lie.

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u/Amythist35 13d ago

Yeah necks are so very fragile. It's a tube containing other tunes that carry bold oxygen and food to the rest of your body. One wrong move one twig snap of a fragile nerve and your no longer here.

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u/redpatcher 12d ago

There's a reason advocates have lobbied state governments to make choking a felony and/or it's own specific crime.

https://www.mobileodt.com/blog/taking-your-breath-away-why-strangulation-in-domestic-violence-is-a-huge-red-flag/

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u/Ch4l1t0 12d ago

Not on purpose bc i really do feel he is a good guy

In no way shape or form in any universe that I know of is putting his foot on your neck something a "good guy" would do. Ever. For any reason at all.

I don't care how much you scratched him, if you insulted him and how much, or whatever else you did or didn't. NOTHING warrants his foot on your neck. Absolutely NOTHING.

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u/yoda_mcfly 12d ago

^ OP, it is not your fault he gets angry in this way. It sucks for him that he's in jail, but he's there because of what he, a grown ass man, did. It is not your fault, please do not get yourself killed feeling guilty for an abuser.

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u/bluejackmovedagain 12d ago

As part of my job I sometimes refer people to domestic abuse perpetrator programmes. None of our local programmes will work with anyone who has attempted choking. Even specialist services consider it to be such an incredibly high risk behaviour that they don't feel there is a safe way for them to attempt to support change.

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u/Zelldandy 12d ago

Can confirm. Was strangled a lot. Escalated to plausible murder-suicide threat with a knife pulled.

Not fun.

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u/PM_ME_HAPPY_MEMORIES 12d ago

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are completely safe now and have been able to process it in some way. It sounds absolutely terrifying.

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u/darthjazzhands 12d ago

Please listen to this advice, OP. Break the cycle now and do not go back to him. You’ve done nothing wrong and he won’t change. Please move on, get the help you need to recognize the warning signs of abusers.

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u/momplaysbass 12d ago

I had a client who had a habit of choking his women when he got frustrated. He's in prison for choking one to death. GET OUT NOW!!

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u/nomadzebra 12d ago

Does his choke people at work? Put his foot on his family's neck? Choke people in public, no? Then he can perfectly control his anger he just knows he can get away with it with you. Stop letting him

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u/HELLOhappyshop 13d ago Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote This

Perfect, you can grab all of your stuff while he's in jail, and never see him again.

Never. See. Him. Again.

He might kill you one day.

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u/BlueMoon5k 12d ago

I cannot upvote this enough

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u/Candypandy07 12d ago Helpful Starry

There's no might.

He will.

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u/SeaDots 12d ago Silver

The fact he didn't kill her the last time was just luck and chance. Everytime you violently choke someone in a rage, death is a very realistic outcome.

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u/goldenbugreaction 12d ago edited 12d ago Silver All-Seeing Upvote This Doom

The second someone puts their hands around an intimate partner’s neck, the odds of that person eventually following through with murder go up 7x.

— Edit: to the people asking to clarify if that’s between intimate partner/domestic violence or consensual rough play…either read the link or read the room.

Edit 2: since this has a little attention, here’s a free PDF of “Why Does He Do That?” by Frank Lundy. If your partner is abusive, get out as soon as you safely can. If there’s uncertainty about either one, I promise this will help.

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u/Justheretobraap 12d ago

Choking/strangulation is its own crime or a penalty enhancer in most states for domestic violence cases because statistically women are more likely to killed by their abuser if there has been strangulation in a past incident.

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u/MollyMohawk1985 12d ago Helpful

My ex before my (amazing and kind) husband would choke me out often when he'd get angry. Usually something I had no control over. He would talk down to me, twist my words, steal, beat me, go MIA and come back whenever he wanted, he put his gun to my head on several occasions. Shamefully some of this happened in front of my oldest kiddo whonwas a baby/toddler st the time. It made me think about giving him up for adoption just so one of us were free and safe. (Thankfully I didn't and we got away).

I can't say it was the last time he choked me out but the one that plays in my head when I think about it was when he put me up against the apartment door. I remember thinking "there's a cop that lives just a few doors down. I hope he's home." And then the anger in my ex's face. And then my vision went so white light it went black (I don't know how to describe it). I remember watching him drop me. I couldn't move I couldn't breath I just stared as everything got hazing and hazier like a fog. I remember watching him pace a bit before basically smacking me movabley conscious and then breathing.

I stayed with him for years after this. Any time he went to jail or prison I'd visit him. He would tell me or mouth it if it was being recorded that 'he'd kill me if I ever left him.' If that wasn't enough to get me to open my eyes.... it wasn't.

Long of the short I have even let my husband know if I ever go missing it's my ex and here's all his info. If I ever get abducted or murdered it will be because of my ex. It's been 11 years. I get updates thru the prison system when he's released. I check CCAP at least twice a year. I think I'd feel better if he hadn't had a baby with my SIL's sister (while we were together). So I always feel like there's this chance he could find me as we are all in the same state still. And my SIL thinks I made it all up (bc that's what her sister told her, hmmmhmmmm). Despite the long record dude has (I have never been arrested) and signs of abuse I had recorded or saved as evidence in case. We are not fans of each other to say the least.

I know I'm lucky to be here. And now that I know terms "gaslighting" and "narcissistic" I have been able to share my gut red flags and story with friends and have helped a few of them leave long abusive relationships. Maybe not as physically abusive but mental games are just as dangerous. My ex cut away at any self worth I had and even though it's been over a decade I still question myself often. I have little trust and it's hard for me to trust new people even if it's a best friend's dear friend kinda deal.

Anyone reading this if you are on the fence to leave, this is my personal permission for you to get out.

Create a safe grab and go bag, stay with friends or family or go to The Y whatever you gotta do, leave and start living your life!

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u/OSRS_Satriani 12d ago

Prior incidents of strangulation is the #1 risk factor in whether or not a partner will kill their spouse.

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u/AJDillonsMiddleLeg 12d ago

Honestly, it's the most likely outcome by far. If someone choking you in a blind rage doesn't kill you, it's because they were never in a blind rage and they were fully conscious of what they were doing and knew when they needed to stop.

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u/SayeretJoe 12d ago

Also the fact that he was basically blaming her “why’d you get me mad, this is your fault”. Big red flag!

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u/MomoKun999 12d ago

This is actually something that they teach now in law enforcement as an EXTREMELY bad sign for escalation of domestic violence.

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u/AmettOmega 12d ago

No kidding, especially with his foot on her neck. Like, WTF.

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u/Music_Is_My_Muse 12d ago

It's not might. He will kill her if she doesn't get away from him now.

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u/SeaWolfMocha 12d ago

He’s a nice guy except: he chokes, places foot over your throat, he’s aggressive, blames you for everything, gaslights you by saying your abusive, and blames you because he has the emotions of a four year old? He is not a nice guy and you deserve so much better.

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u/Ignorad 12d ago

Heck, he might still try to track her down and kill her. Angry dudes get very vindictive when things go wrong and it's all the woman's fault.

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u/jsteele2793 12d ago

This is so much the correct answer. I really hope OP has enough confidence to realize this.

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u/dal_Helyg 13d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome

You are doing what the majority of abused women do - blame themselves for being abused. I talked to one woman in the emergency room who said her broken jaw, cheekbone, internal injuries, and brutal rape were all her fault and she deserved what she got. After all, her BF was a good guy deep down and she knew he always took 2 ice cubes in his soda, not 3.

You are not to blame for his actions. HE IS!

I volunteer at a rape crisis center and this is a repeating theme. Cut and run lass, or I'll be talking to you in the emergency room someday; if you're lucky enough to survive. Not all are.

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u/CS20SIX 12d ago

How do you manage to stay sane whilst being confronted with such horrors? Just reading the first paragraph gave me shivers… Probs to you for doing what you‘re doing.

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u/dal_Helyg 12d ago Silver Gold Platinum Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Faith In Humanity Restored Heartwarming Helpful (Pro)

I am repaying a debt that cannot be repaid to the center. They helped me not only to survive but also to reclaim my life and dreams. How can I do less for my sisters in distress?

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u/MNConcerto 13d ago Helpful Take My Energy

Run.

If he choked you he will kill you given the chance.

Choking is the biggest sign domestic abuse will turn deadly.

Do not refuse to press charges, you were very lucky to get out alive.

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u/[deleted] 12d ago edited 12d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome

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u/kreiffer 12d ago

100%. First thing I thought of when reading this was Gabby. That poor girl deserved so much better and so does OP. Let’s hope this story doesn’t end as tragically as Gabby’s.

Get out of there OP. This guy is not a good guy and nothing he could ever do can make up for that kind of behavior. Stop tricking yourself into thinking he’s anything but a monster.

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u/appleandwatermelonn 12d ago

Also even if you don’t die from the strangulation you can end up with permanent brain damage within a minute or two

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u/zlance 12d ago

Yeah, he may not intend to kill you if he does. You still would be dead though.

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u/Culexquinq1988 12d ago Take My Energy

Nearly happened to me a couple of times. It's frightening. It also angers me, when I think about what I sacrificed and was prepared to sacrifice for him. It was never enough. He treated me like a tube of toothpaste, squeezing every last bit he could. Screwing up my career and plans to travel wasn't enough. If I had gotten barefoot and pregnant, it still wouldn't have been enough. I was just a container he wanted to dump the contents of for a nice bottle on his shelf.

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u/Mister_Terpsichore 12d ago

This, absolutely. Also, OP, you do not "gaslight yourself," that isn't what's happening at all. He's gaslighting you, blowing hot and cold on purpose to keep you off balance. When he switches from calm, rational, contrition to anger and blaming you? That is precisely calculated to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

I was recording because when this sort of thing happens i tend to gaslight myself a lot

Glad you were recording and that you are aware that gaslighting is occurring, but it is him gaslighting you, not you gaslighting yourself. I hope you can get away from him and heal enough so that when you look back at what you've posted here you can recognize how deeply twisted this man is, and how relentlessly he has undermined your judgement in order to keep you feeling powerless.

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u/uberDoward 12d ago

This. Jesus fucking Christ I will never understand the "oh he's such a great guy this was just a misunderstanding" thought process.

NO. HE WILL KILL YOU.

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u/DisastrousDoubt 12d ago

While I have never been in OP’s situation, I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and it was really eye opening to me. I mean, i know why I stayed as long as I did. He loved me (I believe, still) and I loved him. It was very hard to accept that the unloving things he did were not outweighed by the love I felt.

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u/drowsypillowprincess 13d ago Helpful Wholesome

Good men don’t put a foot on your neck. Ever.

  1. Pack your stuff
  2. Go to your parents
  3. Block him on social media
  4. Consider a restraining order
  5. Get into therapy

That man needs help, but you cannot help him. Only professionals can. If you stay in contact with him, you will hinder his ability to get help and also put yourself at risk for more abuse.

This is one of those life-changing decisions. Stay safe.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago edited 12d ago

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u/shimmyeatworldpeace 13d ago Helpful Wholesome

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I really need you to think about if you had a daughter and she just went through this, what would you tell her? In all honesty, the abuse is only going to be worse next time. You ARE lucky to be alive. Please do not see him again. Do not be alone in the same room as him, if he has to get his things or vice versa. Go get a restraining order. Do not look back. This isn’t an overreaction. You could have been killed and giving him another chance is one step closer to getting murdered.

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u/SmallTownMortician 13d ago Silver Gold Helpful Starry

HE CHOKED YOU.

Good guys don't choke people. He is not a good guy.

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u/shinybriony 13d ago Silver Helpful

Choking is incredibly high risk, it’s a high risk factor for an escalation to murder of a partner and also carries risk of brain damage if you survive. Get out OP.

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u/theprez35 13d ago Helpful

THIS. I came here to comment this exactly. It’s one of the highest risk factors for women who are murdered by intimate partners. Consider it a warning sign of what’s to come. He won’t get better.

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u/realglasseyes 12d ago

You would have been safer spending the night on a bench at the bus station than spending the night in the same house as this guy. OP, you just survived an incredibly risky situation that many people dont survive. You know you're not in a good state of mind, being with this guy has put you on anxiety medication. You need to not be anywhere near him, please take this seriously.

The first thing you should do is go stay in a safe place with people you trust. The next thing is speak to DV specialists or a woman's refuge. You're going to need serious help and support just to see this situation for what it is. Talk to the experts, they will be able to give you practical strategies (Like how to leave and not leave any clues where you've gone)

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u/oh-hidanny 13d ago

Yep!

OP, choking is a sign of a much more violent, probably fatal, upcoming attack. There are stats to back this up.

LEAVE. Do not go back, particularly after he put his hands around your throat.

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u/Capathy 12d ago

The jump from other physical abuse to strangulation is as significant as the jump to physical abuse itself. It’s the single greatest indicator of an eventual homicide.

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u/fridaycat 12d ago Eureka!

I worked with DV survivors for years. I want you to be a survivor, so remember this. There is always a first time, never a last time. He said you caused him to choke you? Get out now. Also, I am concerned you are in a new city. How did that happen, did he move you there away from your support system? So many red flags. Please leave while you can.

I'm also concerned that you were being choked, but the police didnt show up until the next day?

And this was a small argument?

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u/Eruionmel 12d ago

I'm sure it was her parents who called the cops, not the neighbors, which is why they didn't show up until the next day.

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u/gleenglass 13d ago edited 12d ago

If he’s willing to choke you, he’s willing to kill you. People subjected to domestic violence by strangulation are something like 300% 700% more likely to die at the hands of their abuser. OP, please listen, he choked you. You are now at risk of a hundreds-fold increase of dying when he does it again. If you value anything about your life, get out now. Run.

Edit: Percent was worse than I remembered.

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u/kreiffer 12d ago

Just happened with Gabby Petito. This girl is next if she doesn’t get the fuck away from this psycho.

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u/gingerwabisabi 12d ago edited 12d ago

700% times more likely :( (edit from x)

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u/FeministFireant 13d ago

And not just with his hands, he also put his FOOT on OP’s neck! Don’t blame yourself OP, get out while you can and do everything you need to do to prevent him from doing this to someone else, please

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u/zeocca 13d ago edited 12d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Eureka!

GO TO THE ER!!

I'm having to scroll too far so I'm hijacking this comment. You need medical attention, OP!! Strangulation can cause SERIOUS, LIFE-THREATENING damage you might not notice yet.

Seek medical attention NOW!

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u/HippyFreek 12d ago Wholesome

I cannot second this enough. Please go to the ER. He put his foot on your neck. You fought back so hard he has scratches on him. You say it was all a blur. You likely will not know the extent of the damage he’s done to you for days, if not weeks. Also, the emergency room will document your injuries and those records are admissible in court.

Please don’t wait to go to the ER, and then to leave. Choking leads to murder.

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u/wonkotsane42 12d ago

THIS TOO!!

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u/INCORRIGIBLE_CUNT 12d ago

100%. Just a few pounds of pressure can cause an aneurism and delayed onset problems at that. Please go to the ER.

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u/PangPingpong 12d ago

Choking people when you're mad is not normal. It's criminal. He needs to be stopped before someone dies.

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u/Laszerus 12d ago edited 12d ago

Let me provide some perspective that might help.

My step-father is a piece of shit. He beat me up when I was about 8 years old (because I did something to annoy him, like 8 year olds do). My Mom didn't leave him then. Later on he hurt her too, tried to choke her to death with a belt from a robe before coming to his senses. There were other incidents as well.

My mom, who is a therapist ffs, continues to stay with this man. He's apparently calmed down in his old age and doesn't do these things anymore, and my Mom keeps trying to repair our relationship... but I will never, ever, forgive him for what he did to my Mom.

Imagine this guy was doing it to your Mom, would you forgive him? It doesn't matter if he's otherwise a good guy and means well, he could kill you, you just can't risk it. He needs to fix himself on his own time, not while putting you at risk.

Edit: fixed father on law mistake

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u/frogminute 12d ago

You mean stepfather, right?

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u/siamesebengal 12d ago edited 12d ago Helpful

I read somewhere a couple years ago that choking was the most reported type of marital violence that preceded male-on-female homocide/murder. The article essentially said, without explicitly claiming, that if you’ve been choked your chances of being murdered increased by something like a hundred fold. It’s just one of those signs that should always be taken as an absolute final conclusion to the question "should I leave", where hitting, however grotesque, wasn’t AS correlated.

I’ve been through this before. I left when they were in jail (which was longer than normal because they found drugs in their system). The fallout was insane with their family trying to get my family to believe I was at fault for instigating, but it was a growing pattern that I had just been quiet about other than telling a neighbor once who was listening— I went over to her apartment and cried for an hour once. Anyway, I moved to a new state and other than them accidentally liking a post I made somewhere a few years later, and their sibling staying in touch with me for years (really weird), I never heard from them again and it all just went away. It’s now been 10 years and I’ve never had another situation arise like this, confirming that I don’t cause it. I hope they’re doing well because if this stuff continued they will end up hurting someone and in real trouble. Point is, you can do it. I believe in you.

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u/Own-Emergency2166 13d ago

Thank you. Any of the behaviour OP mentions from him disqualifies him from being a “good guy”. The bar is so low and he is not clearing it.

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u/freedom_oh 13d ago

Nah, the bar is literally in the same ground that he's gonna end up putting her in.

Op, run and run fast. Go home to your parents. There's nothing tying you to this new city, other than him and he is a bad, bad connection to have. Value yourself, value your life. Call your parents and tell them their daughter needs to come home for a while... and while you're there, please look into therapy.

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u/GoPlacia 12d ago

Yup, that bar is so low it's not even on the ground, it's 6 ft under.

I've been there, I know what it's like. Hopefully OP listens and values her life enough to get away. It's extremely hard and it can be hard for a Long time, but it's so worth it.

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u/Soundwave_640 13d ago

yeah this is so scary. I(m) have never once thought that some type of violence towards my SO was ever even a consideration. If he is willing to resort to violence for any other reason than defending himself for his(or loved ones) life, he's not a good guy.

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u/downer240 13d ago

I stopped reading after he choked her. That’s domestic violence. Done.

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u/beibigousts 12d ago

this cannot be emphasized enough. he’s a piece of shit.

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u/saltwaterblue 13d ago

exactly this. Your next time could be your last, OP. Abusers will always say it's your fault, even if they are trying to "apologize". Everything he says is a lie. Leave now.

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u/LadyBug_0570 12d ago

AND PUT HIS FOOT ON HER NECK.

But he's "a good guy". WTF????

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u/FrostyDiscipline9071 12d ago

I’m a man (58) married for 32 years and I’ve NEVER choked my wife or any other woman for any reason. And we’ve had our moments. I’ve been beyond pissed off. It’s not a normal thing to do to anyone. Ever. It’s not your fault or responsibility. It’s all on him. I hope you’re doing well now.

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u/Sea_Mathematician_84 12d ago

People really want to believe other people they know and care for are good deep down.

The truth is not everyone is good, not even deep down. Some people will hurt you for fun and sleep like a baby.

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u/1d10 12d ago

I fucking hate seeing people say "oh such and such is realy a good person, it's just that sometimes...." fuck that, good people don't do shitty things " sometimes " what you have is a shitty person who is sometimes good.

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u/Nix-geek 12d ago

Piggy back on this, any time you lose consciousness for blows to the head or loss of oxygen, you are extremely close to death.

It isn't something to just muck around with.

He tried to kill OP.

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u/itirnitii 12d ago

the bar for men is INCREDIBLY low if somehow choking your partner doesnt automatically exclude you from being a "good guy".

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u/Benozkleenex 12d ago

Jesus I myself don't know If I could be classified as a Good guy, like I don't like to cook so she does most of the time or sometimes I leave my stuff around. But If I ever put my foot on my wife neck for any reason other than a freak accident, one thing I would be sure is that I am a Scumbag.

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u/usuckreddit 13d ago
  1. Run

  2. Press charges

  3. Find a therapist, nobody deserves to be treated like this

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u/lanc3rz3r0 13d ago

All of this

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u/Amythist35 13d ago

Use this an an opportunity to grab all your stuff and move in with your parents. This is the universe giving you the safety and time to get out of there. Also get a restraining order, because theirs been violence you will actually be granted one. Don't let him gaslight you into apologizing

When a man chokes a woman he is way more likely to kill her then almost any other form of abuse. You were right to fear for your life because you were in danger. He could have accidentally killed you. GET OUT!

Talk to your parents. You don't have to do anything but get yourself someplace safe his behavior is not OK and you deserve to be safe.

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u/headbigasputnik 13d ago

If he chokes you he WILL murder you. Plan accordingly. Don’t be the next Gabby. Get a restraining order now and run away.

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u/JinxyKittie 13d ago

Go with your initial plane. Grab all your things and get out while you can. Don't look back

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u/TheDkone 13d ago

at least with him in custody she should have some peace getting her stuff out.

OP don't delay getting out, you don't know when he may bond out.

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u/JinxyKittie 12d ago

He started with choking. He will kill her.

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u/lucysalvatierra 13d ago Helpful Starry Bravo Grande! Got the W

Has he ever choked a boss or authority figure while angry? No? Then that means he's able to control his anger and CHOOSES to hurt you. Good men don't choose to hurt others.

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u/DConstructed 13d ago Silver Wholesome

Talk to a therapist. If you are in the state of mind where you blame yourself for someone else CHOKING you and threatening to stand on your neck and kill you you need professional help to pry that out of your mind.

The fact that the neighbors called the police was a blessing. Your boyfriend going to jail now is better than him going to prison later after he murdered you.

It doesn't matter if he's okay or even loving the rest of the time if he becomes deadly when angry.

I'm glad you're alive BIG HUG.

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u/Deadhawk142 13d ago

Two things for you to do: 1) cut 2) run

You’ve been given a chance to escape. Do it.

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u/GoldenFlicker 13d ago

And press charges against him

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u/outed 13d ago

To quote u/Jintess - use that red flag as a cape and fly away

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u/Taolan13 13d ago

Phrasing.

"Cut your losses".

Go gome. Get to your parents. It is not your fault he cant control his temper

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u/ReasonableStranger32 12d ago

I lost my sister and my niece to her partner of over 10 years. Please don't let this man take your life. Please save yourself. Please.

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u/shadowheart1 13d ago

OP, when domestic violence evolves into strangulation or choking, it will lead to murder. Your partner is not a good person. This is not an accident or him not realizing how aggressive he can get. He tried to murder you and you were lucky enough for him to second guess it one time. You may not get that lucky again.

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u/FreelanceSubversion 13d ago edited 13d ago

IT IS HIS OWN FAULT THAT HE ASSAULTED YOU. You do not deserve to be abused.

Write it on a piece of paper in your wallet. On the mirror. On the fridge. Sharpie it on your arm.

KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF. Make it a mantra.

IT IS HIS OWN FAULT THAT HE ASSAULTED YOU.

The way the abuse mentality works is by assigning blame to the victim, and making them question themselves.

Were you absolutely perfect 100% of the time? No, obviously not, you're a human. Did the things you did "wrong" mean you deserved to be attacked and choked? NO.

This is one of the mindtraps of abuse mentality. Doing things wrong does NOT = deserving to be threatened or assaulted.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE ASSAULTED YOU.

*Edit - it could be useful to include "HIS OWN ACTIONS GOT HIM ARRESTED" into the mantra.

Being loving or nice at times, DOES NOT ERASE harmful/violent behavior, or the responsibility of harmful/behavior.

To see the situation more clearly, imagine yourself in that role, of attacking someone smaller than you because they annoyed you. Pretty sure you would never do that, nor dismiss it if you did "because you were loving or nice to them" before / after. The guilt is part of the abuse mindset. It is temporary, but so very compelling right now. Find a few mantras that help, and repeat them all day/night, until this stage of recovery passes.

Also, him getting arrested for this is going to help create a paper trail that may help keep another woman safe.

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u/imwearingredsocks 12d ago

Also add that he is fully aware when he is angry.

“Losing control” when you’re angry or “not realizing how angry” you get is not a thing. You’ve allowed yourself to get to that level of anger. If you’re capable of it, getting that angry is the easier part. Holding it back is what’s difficult.

But most people are conscious and remember everything. Blind anger is the most convenient excuse in the abusive playbook.

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u/thebeandream 12d ago

I’d counter that blind anger is a thing. It’s just a lot more rare than abusers pretend for it to be.

Personally If I knew I were prone to “blacking out” I’d separate myself from people I cared about until I got it under control.

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u/brynnee 12d ago

Yes to all of this!! Human beings make mistakes and people in relationships make each other mad sometimes. That doesn’t mean you deserve physical harm in retaliation.

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u/bbhggg5 13d ago

He will kill you. You’re lucky he didn’t kill you this time. He is not a good guy who gets angry sometimes. He’s a violent abuser.

Your neighbours have given you a valuable opportunity to pack all your things and get out safely. Do not wait for him to come home. Get away before you are murdered.

And get to a hospital, btw. He could have done lasting damage to your throat that needs looking at. It’ll help you if you have to get a restraining order or want to pursue a police report.

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u/birdisol 13d ago

My best friend was murdered by strangulation in a domestic violence attack. We found the restraining order papers she was going to file in the trash. He manipulated and gaslighted her into thinking everything was her fault.

It wasn't her fault, and what happened to you isn't your fault. Your boyfriend is sick. Please get away.

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u/[deleted] 12d ago

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u/emmaontoast 13d ago

Oh dear, I've been there. It's hard not to feel at fault but please believe it IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He shouldn't have become physical with you in any way, shape or form just because he got angry. His anger has nothing to do with you. He is a grown man,not a 5 year old kid, he cannot blame his anger issues or his violence on anyone but himself. This is a textbook abuser. Their reactions are disproportionate to the situation, then they blame you for it, then they will build you back up with apologies, caring behavior, etc. But it never plateaus, never gets better, it only worsens.

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u/getwhatImsaying 13d ago

I really do feel he is a good guy girl, he absolutely is not a good guy. and there have been countless women who are dead now because a man “didn’t realize how angry he gets”. you have to stop making excuses for him. do not feel bad for him, he put himself in jail, not you. get out now and never look back

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u/queerhoneybee 13d ago edited 13d ago Helpful

Mental health professional here and have worked in domestic violence. Multiple research studies have shown that when an abuser chokes the victim, the odds of them murdering the victim increases drastically. Almost half of victims choked by their abuser will be murdered by them within the following year. It’s a final red flag that we look for in domestic violence work. A woman who has been strangled by an abuser is 750% more likely to be killed by that person with a gun.

It WILL get worse. If you do not leave, he will do it again and will likely kill you. Death from strangulation can kill within minutes.

As a MH professional I think that you’re probably NOT as mentally unstable as you think - he is probably emotionally abusing you and causing you to feel this way.

Please contact the assaulted womens line or a local shelter. They can provide legal help, counselling, a safe place to stay, and other supports.

Please leave and never look back. Stay safe. Stay alive.

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u/D34D_L33T 13d ago

Run run run run run run run

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u/cametobemean 12d ago

I’ve seen people already point out that the chances of a male partner killing you skyrocket after they start choking you, so I won’t.

You’re already leaving, but this is the dangerous part. Women are more at risk leaving than at any other point, and it usually takes several times to actually escape the cycle.

Do. Not. Go. Back. You are too important to this world to do that. You’re gonna want to talk about this and tell it so many times for validation that you did the right thing and sometimes when survivors aren’t getting the right validation, they gaslight themselves into believe it was their own fault. Don’t you do that. Seems like you have a number of people around to validate you but if you feel the tug of doubt EVER about this, I do not mind FaceTiming internet strangers to validate them. Over and over again if they need. I bet all of the people commenting would do it, too.

Proud of you for running. Never look back.

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u/smashmyburger 13d ago

Get away from him or he'll kill you one day. Arguments are fine. Healthy, at times even. Physical fights are NOT!! You are not safe being alone with him and I hope you will act accordingly moving forward. Strongly consider pressing charges.

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u/Shufflepants 13d ago

"he grabbed my phone"

This. This little thing right here is enough for us to know that he is not a "good guy".

and started choking me and put his foot on my neck. That's when it hit me that I could die.

That is how you should be feeling at that moment. Because this is not just behavior to indicate he's not a "good guy". This is the behavior of an abusive murderer.

Not on purpose bc i really do feel he is a good guy

Not on purpose? Of course it was on purpose. He didn't slip on a banana peel and accidentally fall and have his foot land on your neck. He assaulted you. He attacked you. And threatened your life. Something like this couldn't be any more "on purpose" unless he wrote you a letter beforehand detailing exactly what he was going to do before hand. But from the sounds of it, this is not the first time he's don't something like this. And so, those earlier times he did something were explicit messages that he was going to do something like this again.

They ended up taking him away in handcuffs. Its been a few hours now and I can't help but blame myself.

Blame? You should be glad this motherfucker has been taken away in handcuffs. You should hope that you never see this asshole again; that he goes to jail for as long as possible.

Idk what to do.

What you should be doing is making sure you have somewhere safe to live that he doesn't have access to. If you can, move in with some one else that you know and trust and who recognizes what an abusive asshole (what should now be) your ex is. And then when you are able to move into your own place, keep your address as secret as possible. Be sure that everyone you know who knows where you live knows not to give anyone your address. And you should probably also be filing for a restraining order against him so that after he's out of jail he can't be near you. What you shouldn't do is ever talk to or see that dude in person ever again for any reason except possibly to testify at his trial to get him thrown in prison.

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u/andreskarsnik 12d ago

When my older brother was 18 and I was 16, he pushed me.

It was not unusual, he was always quick to anger, our mother was very absent having to support 4 children by herself since the divorce.

He often would take out his anger on me, mostly verbally but sometimes physically as well, mostly pushing me or some times pulling my hair, some slapping and choking, and in one rather terrifying occasion he held a pillow over my face.

I defend myself best I could as a small girl, and often told my mom, as I had visible marks. She always told me he was just “roughhousing” and not to piss him off.

I grew up being very careful not to anger him, but somehow he still had his anger, which he direct only at me, so I believed what I was told, that I was the cause— he was a good student and very friendly and nice with everyone. A nice boy.

The day I wanted to tell you about OP, was the last day he hit me.

It was just like any other day, I don’t know what the argument was about, I must have said or done something, of course, but I can’t for the life of me think what.

Our mom was in the hallway and that was really the only difference this time, because she saw him push me, and she saw me falling violently back—

I hit the back of my head on the metal beam of the top of my younger siblings bunk bed.

I stayed down.

I don’t remember it hurting funnily enough, but I remember my mother over me, and I remember her face clearly, it was the expression in her face that clued me in that something was seriously wrong this time.

But it was her words that made the greatest impression on me.

She said, “you are alright, you can get up now. I don’t know why you two keep fighting.”

He was still by the door, where he had pushed me, but he just walked away as she helped me sat up.

I looked at her hand, there was blood there, from the back of my head, and then at her face, and I opened my mouth,

I don’t know what I was going to say, but she interrupted me: “I will talk to him. You need to stay away from him, there can’t be anything wrong with you right now, because I can’t take to the hospital.”

I just looked at her hand and the blood, I was dizzy, I said “I’m dizzy mom”.

She raised her voice, she seemed angry at me: “I said I would talk with him, what else do you want? Do you want to ruin his life?”

I didn’t understand what she meant, or why she didn’t take me to the hospital, or why my brother went to stay at my fathers house for 2weeks after that.

It was because she was scared the hospital would call the police and they would arrest him, he was 18 now, and I was not. He would have been charged.

It took me a while to realize he could have killed me, that day. It took longer still, to understand he could have killed me long before that.

It wasn’t a mistake, he never cared how much force he exerted or what happened to me. He was not a nice boy.

I was a nice girl, tough— an almost dead nice girl, who thought it was my fault and would have probably lied to the police and the hospital and told them I had fallen or something, because I didn’t want to ruin his life, because he was my brother and I loved him and yes because I thought he was a nice boy, people kept telling me he was.

But it doesn’t matter because I never got the chance to lie for him, my mom didn’t take the risk, she didn’t think I was worth the risk, I suppose.

After that day I made sure to never be in the house when he was there and shortly after I moved out to a foreign country on a scholarship.

I was a good student and I was lucky.

You are lucky too OP, don’t waste this opportunity to survive, you might not get another.

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u/Abeyita 13d ago

It makes no sense to blame yourself for his actions. The only person responsible for his actions is he himself.

What you should do is pack, go to your parents, break all contact with your ex, and start healing yourself. I suggest therapy too, to guide you back to health.

Good luck, if isn't easy, but you are absolutely worth it. You were lucky, you could have died. Keep your distance from him, as he may still kill you. He will act all nice at first, but then at one point he will decide that you did something and kill you.

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u/luminous_beings 13d ago

He is not a nice person. He WILL murder you. This will happen again until he kills you and any children he might trick you into bearing in the meantime. Please hand your phone directly to the police and move back to your parents immediately.

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u/lexylexylexy 13d ago

Choking is the number one precursor to murder

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u/Sanshuu 13d ago Take My Energy

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (pdf). It gave me a lot of insight into what abusive men are and how they work. What you described is exactly what the book talks about. He gaslights you, blames you for his abuse, tries to sell you the myth of “I got so mad I lost control”. It’s all complete bullshit. If he really lost control why isn’t he assaulting his boss or breaking his own things? Nah it’s all very controlled to be directed at you. Thank your neighbors and RUN.

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u/dorkstone710 13d ago

PRESS CHARGES! This is so familiar to me I could have written it myself. One day in the future you will realize he IS NOT A GOOD MAN, and he doesn't deserve any forgiveness or sensitivity. You will regret not having a legal paper trail for his future partners safety and information. I dropped the charges and resent that he has convinced all our mutual friends and his family that I'm the crazy ex. It took me years to realize nothing was my fault.

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u/lovetimespace 12d ago

Actually, choking is what happens when food goes down the wrong pipe. He was STRANGULATING YOU. This is domestic violence and when strangulation is involved, it increases your risk of death by A LOT. This abuse will continue and will escalate into worse and worse situations unless you leave the relationship or are killed. Strangulation is a sign of a high risk of murder in future. Please get away from this person and do not feel guilty. Run away like you're running from a serial killer. I wish you all the best and please stay safe ❤

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u/Emile_L 12d ago

Op I don't post on Reddit often but you need to get the fuck out of this relationship asap and never see that guy again. Ever.

No good person ever chokes their significant other (or anyone for that matter)

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u/ElwoodJD 13d ago

Foot on neck is not good guy behavior

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u/DarkLikeVanta 13d ago

He got himself arrested when he laid hands on you. That’s his fault. If he didn’t want to get arrested, he should have acted like a human.

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u/Desideratta 12d ago

My coworker has a family member who - over the holidays - choked his partner to death. It sounds EXACTLY like your scenario: a “small fight”, gaslighting, apologizing but not actually changing, attempt to leave, and a pattern of smaller abuses and violence that added up to a moment. One moment in which he went too far.

You just escaped that moment. Be thankful for that, and that you have family and neighbours who are looking out for you. Get your stuff and get the hell away from this man because he will NOT change. Please.

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u/jsadusk 12d ago

Ok, a lot of people have told you to get away from him, so I don't feel like that needs to be reiterated. What I want to address is the guilt you feel. Speaking as a man, you did not instigate him. He has no justification for what he did. There is only one reason any person is justified to use violence, that is to protect themselves from violence. And the only justification for using potentially deadly force (choking someone is deadly force) is to protect yourself from deadly force. Did you have a gun to his head? If not, you did not instigate this. You did not provoke him. This isn't your fault. He hurt you because he wanted to hurt you. He didn't lose control of his anger, he was just angry. His anger is not some outside force, it is part who he is. He is a person that wanted to kill you. You have no guilt, you are not responsible for his actions. He did this, because he is the kind of person who does this. And he could do it to someone else. If you press charges, you aren't just protecting yourself, but also anyone else he decides to do this to. Take care of yourself

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u/berts90 13d ago

I heard this once and it was perfect. Guys like that don’t lose control. They are in total control.. because they wouldn’t get like that with their boss or someone much bigger than them. It is only when they can physically dominate someone.

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u/LaceyLizard 13d ago

That's when it hit me that I could die. Not on purpose bc i really do feel he is a good guy, but when he is angry, sometimes i feel he doesn't eealize how angry he gets.

I don't think it has hit you. You're in too deep to see this for what it is. Stay away from him.

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u/jennystonermeyer 13d ago

Run

Away

Now

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u/AwardLosingFilmmaker 12d ago

Get out of there.

That feeling of blaming yourself is just a side-effect of you being a good person. Acknowledge it and let it go.

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u/secondhandbanshee 12d ago

Let me make this really, really clear, OP.

Your life is in danger.

Men who choke are statistically much more likely to kill you.

You can die days later after being choked.

Choking can cause micro traumatic brain injuries that can permanently mess up your ability to think.

Health issues that develop later in life can be exacerbated by TBIs from abuse. If you want to know what happens when your blood pressure goes up and you have a lot of old micro TBIs, drop me a message. I can tell you all about the two years I lost to cognitive and physical impairment from exactly this. And I'm one of the lucky ones.

Your bf is NOT good.

You have a choice. You can leave or you can play Russian roulette every single day of your life.

I know how hard it is to accept and I'm not going to judge you if you're not ready to save yourself yet. Just realize that this man is not your boyfriend. He's your enemy. The sooner you accept that, the more likely you are to survive.

You deserve to live. You deserve not to be treated like this. You are worth saving.

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u/Ecstatic-Class278 12d ago

Lady you need to RUN. Cut all contact, leave the city, leave the state if you need to. If you have friends or family you can stay with, do that. He is NOT going to change for the better no matter how hard you love him. Good men don't choke people except consensually in the bedroom. Even bad men don't put their feet on the neck of someone they love. This dude is terrible, and you don't deserve to be treated the way he has treated you. He will likely murder you the next time he flies into one of his "little rages". Listen to the comments here and G.T.F.O.

And go to the ER if you can, he frigging strangled you! You can end up with horrific side effects from something like that, even if it didn't seem serious in the moment.

Please, please, please get out.

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u/Sequil 13d ago

Im sorry to tell you this. But someone choking you is not a good guy. He can probably act like a good guy a lot of the time. But choking the one you love does not happen with good guys.

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u/AcornAndArkenstone 12d ago

Just in case you see this, people who choke others are much more likely to kill them than people who do other types of violence. Please get out and don't go back. I've been there.

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u/Silly_Oven_4268 12d ago

A 2008 study from the Journal of Emergency Medicine found that 43 percent of women who were murdered in domestic assaults, and 45 percent of the victims of attempted murder, had been strangled by their partner within the year before. The most dangrous domestic violence offenders strangle their victims. The most violent rapists strangle their victims.

We used to think all abusers were equal. They are not.

Our research has now made clear that when a man puts his hands around a woman’s neck, he has just raised his hand and said, “I’M A KILLER.” They are more likely to kill police officers, to kill children, and to later kill their partners. So, when you hear “He choked me,” now we know

YOU ARE AT THE EDGE OF A HOMICIDE.

CASEY GWINN Co-Founder, Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention

According to the Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention, “A woman who has suffered a nonfatal strangulation incident with her intimate partner is 750% more likely to be killed by the same perpetrator…with a gun.” That is a staggering number, and it’s not a coincidence. Researchers and law enforcement professionals have determined that nonfatal strangulation is a leading indicator of escalating violence in a relationship and an important risk factor for homicide in women.

Get out. Stay out. Seek support from domestic violence experts, therapists and family/friends. Please stay safe.

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u/Kronoswarp 13d ago

Sounds like you're now safe to follow through with your plan to move out without him attacking you again. God bless your neighbors.

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u/whatalongusername 12d ago

> i really do feel he is a good guy

No, he is not. He tried to kill you.

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u/YouStupidBench 12d ago

> it was all my fault for getting him mad

Anyone who says this about violence is an abuser, and will never stop abusing you for as long as you put up with it.

Get your stuff and get out. If the police ask whether you want to press charges, the answer is YES. He needs serious help because he has a serious problem, and he's not going to get help until someone makes him.

In some cases like this, the violent person agrees to plead guilty in exchange for no jail time and undergoing court-ordered anger management therapy. Your boyfriend, who is now your EX-boyfriend, needs that kind of therapy. He probably doesn't want to lose control of himself, and he doesn't want to end up in huge trouble a year from now after he murders his next girlfriend, but he's not likely to get therapy unless a judge makes him do it.

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u/Responsible_Award317 12d ago

Choking means you will die. You need to get out of there <3

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u/NotTeri 13d ago

No no no.. no one can blame YOU for making them mad. That’s not how it works. Let me ask you, did it feel like love? Did it even feel like like? You’re not in a healthy relationship. Go asap.

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u/puffthedragonofmagic 13d ago

Leave and never look back except as an example of what to not go for in the future

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u/oddprofessor 12d ago

Blame yourself? I think you misspelled give yourself credit for saving your life.

This is a good thing. Take the opportunity to get your things and go. Go anywhere. Make a police report. Block him, in fact get a new phone. If that's not possible, make sure that he hasn't set up your phone to track you. Go absolutely no contact, and if you have to go back to your old place to pick things up, ask for a police escort.

You dodged an almost literal bullet. Do not feel sorry for him. He did this.

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u/GeorgeMichealScott 12d ago

Hey OP, I want you to keep this in mind.

I have anger issues as well, and get therapy for them. I have never put my hands on someone other than to defend myself.

You may think he's got good in him, and that's probably true. However he just made the type of mistake that you don't come back from. He needs to get help and therapy, so that this type of sittuation never happens again.....In his future relationships with other people.

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u/emptyhellebore 13d ago

You stop blaming yourself. You then hopefully use this as the moment to leave or kick him out and try to rebuild your life without him abusing you. Take care of yourself, OP. You deserve better.

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u/mongoosedog12 13d ago

Use this opportunity while he’s in custody to leave

He chocked you, good people don’t chock them partners when they’re angry. He put his foot on your neck, he could have broken your windpipe and As you’d said YOU COULD HAVE DIED

There is nothing to feel guilty about.

If you can afford to get a cheap hotel or bnb to stay with your things while you figure out a place to stay on your own, I would do so. If not reach out to your parents.

If he has contact with your parents (like knows their number) you need to tell your folks what happened and they should not tell him where you are. If you don’t feel like they can do that, I don’t think you should tell them where you’re going.

Right now your safety is the most important, someone called the police because you were in danger, he was arrested because he was a dance to you.

Get out

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u/DarkurTymes 12d ago

The police gave you the opportunity to pack up your stuff and leave like you were planning to without danger. Take it.

I thought about replying to another comment thread instead of posting my own to get buried but I hope that 100 people separately telling you to leave while you can will have more impact.

Men who kill their partners aren't vile men all the time. Don't forget they managed to get in to that relationship in the first place. They often flip flop from extremely charming and romantic to raging and violent. They are also extremely manipulative. They'll blame others, gas light you, and make you feel guilty and responsible for their actions.

Your post reads like a list of all the red flags. You are beyond the warning signs now. The alarm bells are ringing. It's time to take action. Now.

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u/PouncingFox 12d ago

At no point does "he choked me with his foot on my neck" + "he said it's my fault for making him angry" = a good guy

You need to pack your bags and get out. Keep the recording of him trying to kill you for the police. A guy like this should never get to walk around without paying for this shit. He tried to. Kill. You. And. Say. It's. Your. Fault.

Be strong, you'll get through this.

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u/Acceptable-Body-5081 12d ago

From someone that knows…. Get out with your life while you still have one. They do not change.

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u/blazing_zephyr 13d ago

I am so glad you are safe and okay! Please take care of yourself.

If you can, please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Much love💗

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u/atomicadie 12d ago

He's an abuser baby. He isn't going to change and things WILL get worse. There is no better future with people like this. "It's your fault I hit you" .... this is not passing the vibe check babe. Please update.

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u/coinpile 12d ago Helpful

You have had some very good responses here OP. Once you are safe, please take the time to read this. I’ve seen it shared here before and it’s helped many abused women.

He’s been gaslighting you, and I’m sure a lot of his behaviors seem strange and just don’t make sense. Once you read this book, everything he does will be much clearer, I promise.

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u/Plus-Current1854 12d ago

When they interviewed abusers in prison in regards to wether or not they believed they were in the wrong for abusing their spouses, they almost always deflected their guilt by rationalizing that it was well deserved, as their partner had ticked them off.

Some of these guys had killed their spouses.

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u/BreezySoul101 12d ago

That's not a good guy...

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u/VeterinarianWhole250 13d ago

He is NOT a good guy. Get as far away from him as you can.