r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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1.7k

u/Deadhawk142 Jan 14 '22

Two things for you to do: 1) cut 2) run

You’ve been given a chance to escape. Do it.

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u/GoldenFlicker Jan 14 '22

And press charges against him

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u/outed Jan 14 '22

To quote u/Jintess - use that red flag as a cape and fly away

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u/Taolan13 Jan 14 '22

Phrasing.

"Cut your losses".

Go gome. Get to your parents. It is not your fault he cant control his temper

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u/Rennarjen Jan 14 '22

Set any social media to private and block him, block his family, block his friends. Don't take chances.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

Seriously. I (m) don’t understand why women think a man that gets angry enough to choke, hit, attack them is still a good guy. That is part of his personality too. It negates him being a good person. If he is one half good person and one half angry wild animal, he is not a good person. Get away. Find an emotionally intelligent man who was taught how t engage with his feelings. Try a UU church. Good luck.

Edit: I made a tongue and cheek comment at the end of this post about “try a UU church”. In retrospect I should have left this commentary out. It was more referential to a conversation I had outside this thread and it has been rightly pointed out to me that abusers hide anywhere including ultra liberal church groups, which can in fact make them more dangerous because they learn the vocabulary of the emotional intelligence and weapon use it against people to further their manipulation.

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u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Wow, thanks so much for sharing. It’s really hard to understand from the outside looking in so I truly appreciate your insight. I’m so sorry you went through all that and so glad for you that you have seven able to confront it and land on your feet.

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u/Harmony_w Jan 14 '22

It’s confusing when you love someone and think they are a good person that they would hurt you. It can take time for people to process.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Fair. Thanks. I do not in anyway mean to disparage anyone in that situation. I honestly just don’t understand. The way I was raised, violence doesn’t even cross my mind when I’m in conflict with a partner. I’ve never had a partner be violent towards me, I’ve never been violent towards anyone, so it just blows my mind that it happens with such regularity. Like when you’re in traffic and you see someone smoking a cigarette in their car and you’re like oh yea, I totally forgot that’s a thing people do. Weird.

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u/Cutecatladyy Jan 14 '22

I had an ex boyfriend who choked me. It's been 4 years since it happened, and current me wouldn't be able to explain it either. I can't remember why I stayed, other than he threatened to kill himself if I left. It's really mind boggling how I made that decision looking back on it. I was also gaslit to hell and back though.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Right. I forget about the mental and emotional manipulation aspect of abusers because, again I don’t play that shit so I forget that’s how people do. That must be really hard to fight your way out of. Especially with how toxic public discourse has become. I’m sure abusive people can go online and find plenty of resources that they can use to further their manipulation.

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u/Cutecatladyy Jan 14 '22

I think for me specifically it was part of my upbringing. I grew up in a very religious home where it was all about forgiveness, and boundaries weren't modeled for me at all. My mom would also say things in anger and never apologize, so that was normal for me.

I also think I might be on the autism spectrum, and I tend to be a very trusting person/believe the best in everyone. Those two traits put together make it really hard for me to see through manipulation. I have a really hard time telling when someone is being genuine and when they're just trying to cover their ass afterwards.

It sucked, he harassed me for six months after I left, but I left him for someone I had been friends with for a long time and has always treated me right. Which is good, because I'm honestly not sure I wouldn't fall for abusive bullshit again.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

I see. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry you went through that. Glad you’re in a better place now. Wish you the best. 😊

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u/bunnycollective Jan 14 '22

Hey, I was also raised in a religious home only understanding forgiveness also, and I feel the same. I often am way too trusting in what other people say, I always end up believing the murderer in documentaries. Just wanted to share that with you :)

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u/Cutecatladyy Jan 14 '22

Ugh, I feel the same with the murderer thing! Like okay, but what IF they're innocent and it's a big misunderstanding??

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u/chewbucka Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

I don't think you really understand the dynamics at play in these types of relationships. Even people that have never been around violence can get trapped in a relationship like this. Things usually don't start out like this, they are gradually increased and you soon find yourself justifying behaviors you never in a million years would have tolerated had you just met this person. There's a lot of manipulation at play and often a life and partnership so enmeshed that leaving feels like killing a part of yourself. Then there's always the voice telling you that the nice loving person you fell in love with is still inside there and if you just did XYZ, things would be how they used to. Hoping she finds the strength to leave this man and realizes this is who he is.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

I will be the first to admit that I don’t understand. In fact, I think I said I don’t understand in my original post. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

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u/cyricor Jan 14 '22

I didn't have a violent partner as well till I had. The emotional abuse boggled my mind. How someone could be that evil with me while I was passive and understanding. She was trying actively to belittle me and hurt me every time she wasn't filling good about herself. It reached a point that I was boiling inside from not defending myself and wanting to act on the violence I was receiving with violence, physical, emotional I didn't care. I haven't had lift my hand against anyone until then, and thankfully I didn't I just left and never looked back.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Great point. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m sorry to hear you were in such a toxic relationship. Glad you got out without furthering the cycle yourself. Seems the only way to end the cycle of violence is to not participate in it. From either side. Best of luck to you. 😊

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u/Harmony_w Jan 14 '22

You are very privileged

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

I am aware. I come here to learn and offer support when appropriate.

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u/alrtight Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

there's two ways it happens-

  1. the victim grew up in an abusive household, so they associate love with violence/trauma. when looking for relationships, we aren't necessarily drawn to what feels good, but what feels familiar.
  2. abusers dont start off with the choking. it starts incredibly small- so small you dont notice it. a mean comment here, a silent treatment there, a leaving the house when you get into a fight and staying out all night....not returning your texts to punish you and make you worry about them... a little 'playful' passive aggressive shove when it's actually in a context of him being angry at you. it slowly escalates over a long period of time so all the toxic behaviors are normalized. then before you know it, you are getting choked and have no idea how you got there.

it's like the metaphor of the boiling frog. drop it in boiling water, it will hop out immediately. but drop it in cold water and slowly bring it to a boil, the frog wlll remain til it dies because he does not perceive he is in danger.

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u/Beautiful-Barbie Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

It’s a trauma response. In an abusive relationship your brain usually does one of the following:

1) Go into denial. If your brain can’t come to terms with how horrifying the situation is, it’ll make excuses to deny the severity of it. “Oh he’s not usually that bad” “he’s done good things too!!!”

2) It associates the abuser with ultimate survival. If this person is constantly putting you in dangerous situations (beating you) and then “saving” you from those situations (stops beating you), your brain starts associating that person with literal survival. You become attached to them and want to be in their good graces because not doing so means punishment and beating. You cannot conceive just leaving them, because you’re afraid of the reprimands if you do, and past patterns have shown that some level of catering them yields positive results (until you somehow suddenly mess up and don’t cater strong enough and get another beating, because no matter what you do it ultimately isn’t good enough)

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Fascinating and terrifying. Thanks for sharing.

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u/ECU_BSN Jan 14 '22

It’s the abuse cycle.

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u/tinaple Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

That is part of his personality too. It negates him being a good person

That. 100% THAT. it's easy to know when a person is good. We all know. Why do women make up so many excuses? It is 100% better to be alone than being with someone bad.

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u/ActuallyParsley Jan 14 '22

Women make excuses for a number of reasons. One reason for me (that I didn't realise until afterwards) was that if I admitted to myself what he was doing to me, I would have to admit that I'd chosen a man who would do that stuff to me.

Another was that as long as I didn't admit it, it was a bit like it didn't happen. Like me saying "this is actually sexual assault" would be the thing that made it sexual assault.

Another thing is that it usually starts small, with things that could be misunderstandings, and mistakes, and when you get to the point where you start realising how bad it is, you still don't want to admit how bad it is, because if it's that bad you should have left a long time ago, right?

Especially that last one is actually where comments like yours does more harm than help.

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u/Woogster25 Jan 14 '22

Incredibly insightful. Mother chose abusive men over myself and sisters. She also has NEVER been wrong in her entire life.

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u/Lettuphant Jan 14 '22

Yeah, gender has nothing to do with it: I bet she's never thought of hitting or choking him! Don't be with the kind of person who does. This is not some common "male thought", it's the sign of a seriously violent person.

I'm male. I've been in half a dozen serious relationships of all sorts. Never once have I raised my hands to a partner, not because I have self control, but because I have never had that thought. Like, I hope, most women haven't.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

I agree this behavior isn’t necessarily gendered but as we’re in the two x sub and I’ve read many many stories like this over the year I’ve been following I slipped gendered vocab into my thoughts. But you’re right. It’s not.

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u/Lettuphant Jan 14 '22

Didn't mean to accuse you / get Not All Men-y, just, this is the kind of guy who will say it's "because I'm a man" and make other excuses about how masculine he is so women have to be careful. None of that is true.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

You’re good. I didn’t feel accused. Just having discussion. 🙂

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u/weezythebtch Jan 14 '22

UU Church?

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Haha Unitarian Universalist. It’s a non denominational “religion”. I put religion in quotes because it is tied together around a guiding set of principles rather than a belief structure or deity. The RE tends to produce conscientious men because of the thorough sex Ed curriculum and general teachings of emotional intelligence. Which I didn’t realize until I became an adult and wondered what was up with all these emotionally volatile men around…then I found out no one taught them how to process emotion and they think emotions wake you weak or some such nonsense

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u/Nebraskan- Jan 14 '22

Abusers are in total control of their emotions. They just don’t give a shit about anyone else.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Hmm interesting perspective. Thanks.

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u/Nebraskan- Jan 14 '22

“Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft is a very informative book. You can also tell anecdotally because abusers never destroy their own things. They don’t lash out inappropriately at their boss. They use emotion as a scapegoat for their abuse, but they don’t lose control.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Great point. Thanks for the reading suggestion.

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u/Plantherbs Jan 14 '22

Nope, they aren’t in control of their emotions. That’s why convicted abusers are sentenced to group counseling on the first go round, so that they can hopefully learn to control and redirect their behaviors. Some can.

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u/Kittyfeetdontrepeat Jan 14 '22

The first abusive relationship I was in was with a guy I met at a UU church. I just say this to point out that there's no hard and fast rule for identifying the type of person who will end up being abusive.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

So sorry to hear that. I recognize there is no hard fast rule. I was talking to my partner recently and she kind of pointed out what I stated as her experience which is what I was thinking of when I made that statement. I did say “tends to” and not “always”. But you are right to point out that abusers come from anywhere. I didn’t hold out UUism has a completely safe haven from this problem.

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u/marle217 Jan 14 '22

I used to be a UU too. There's still abusers in that church, except they use the language they learned in those classes to convince everyone else they're safe. There was a 30 something guy in our church who raped a 20 year old who was known for being flighty and immature (he obviously picked her for those reasons) and I watched him sit there and calmly 'explain' (lie lie lie) what happened using the exact language we used in our young adult OWL class on consent. The minister and everyone else ate it up. That was the last time I went to a church regularly.

You still have to watch the men who have emotional intelligence, sometimes even more so.

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

You are right.

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u/weezythebtch Jan 14 '22

Interesting. I'm currently a major in religion and have never heard of this church before. This is something I'll definitely be looking into more.

Out of curiosity, is this something you participate in? I like looking at book knowledge versus people's experiences so the more the merrier lol

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

Oh how interesting! Yes I grew up on the religious education program at my local congregation. I knew it was more liberal than my friends’ churches because we didn’t believe in the Christian god and were welcoming of people from all walks of life (I had trans kids in my youth group waaay back in the early 00’s before it became a big national political issue). I just didn’t realize how different until I went out into the world. My partner is a DRE for a congregation currently.

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u/weezythebtch Jan 14 '22

Wow that's really really cool! I grew up in small town Canada, very religious and very closed off at the time. Different ideas (so my brother and i) were seen as almost a challenge to their society. My parents taught us Hinduism and Christianity side-by-side so that we could understand others, but it was never really a two-way-street.

This actually sounds like a religion in the west that I could get on board with and really learn from. Emotional intelligence lacks in my family to say the least, the fact that it's being taught as a way of life genuinely astounds me. I'm really excited to check this out and talk to professors about it!

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u/lowbwon Jan 14 '22

You should definitely look into it. It’s lovely. 😊

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u/velawesomeraptors Jan 14 '22

UU here as well, definitely look into it and swing by one if you can, it's really a lovely community.

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u/weezythebtch Jan 14 '22

I definitely will! I'm in small town Canada rn but I school in Montreal so should be able to find something :)

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u/Pumpnethyl Jan 14 '22

Average guy here -Not good, not too bad. It's not normal to choke someone while angry. Especially someone you care about.

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u/DomLite Jan 14 '22

This. If OP was planning on "grabbing what she could" and leaving anyway, now she simply doesn't have to rush the leaving. She has an unprecedented opportunity to pack up everything of hers, leave and never return, when many women in the same kind of situation have to slowly stash a backpack with only some essentials to survive and just run one day when they have more than ten minutes alone to actually escape and end up leaving behind things that are important or irreplaceable. OP has been given a gift to have the abuser removed from the house, allowing her to pack up everything and leave with no ties. No chances for him to text with pictures of him destroying things that are important to her. No phone calls trying to arrange a time so she can come pick things up only to be told that she can't or to do so and have them all destroyed in a box as some kind of parting shot, or worse have him physically assault her again. She can leave free and clear with no reason to ever contact him again.

OP, do it. Put everything you own in boxes in your car and head straight home. Tell your parents everything so they can act as your support system if you start thinking you'll go back to him. You have an absolute gift compared to most women stuck in this kind of situation. Don't waste it because you've been gaslit so bad that you think someone who would put his foot on your neck is a "good guy".