r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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u/HELLOhappyshop Jan 14 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote This

Perfect, you can grab all of your stuff while he's in jail, and never see him again.

Never. See. Him. Again.

He might kill you one day.

335

u/BlueMoon5k Jan 14 '22

I cannot upvote this enough

3.9k

u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22

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3.0k

u/SeaDots Jan 14 '22 Silver

The fact he didn't kill her the last time was just luck and chance. Everytime you violently choke someone in a rage, death is a very realistic outcome.

855

u/goldenbugreaction Jan 15 '22 edited Jan 15 '22 Silver All-Seeing Upvote This Doom

The second someone puts their hands around an intimate partner’s neck, the odds of that person eventually following through with murder go up 7x.

— Edit: to the people asking to clarify if that’s between intimate partner/domestic violence or consensual rough play…either read the link or read the room.

Edit 2: since this has a little attention, here’s a free PDF of “Why Does He Do That?” by Frank Lundy. If your partner is abusive, get out as soon as you safely can. If there’s uncertainty about either one, I promise this will help.

4

u/waifuiswatching Jan 15 '22

I learned about this statistic several years ago, shortly after my friend told me her husband pinned her against the wall and "lightly choked" her (she could breathe but couldn't speak clearly). I begged her to leave him as this was not the first, second, or ninth time he had been violent towards her. She is still with him and he choked her so badly a year ago she had bruises on her neck for two weeks. She still won't leave. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he'll kill her within the next three years based off his past escalation patterns.

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u/Justheretobraap Jan 15 '22

Choking/strangulation is its own crime or a penalty enhancer in most states for domestic violence cases because statistically women are more likely to killed by their abuser if there has been strangulation in a past incident.

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u/MollyMohawk1985 Jan 15 '22 Helpful

My ex before my (amazing and kind) husband would choke me out often when he'd get angry. Usually something I had no control over. He would talk down to me, twist my words, steal, beat me, go MIA and come back whenever he wanted, he put his gun to my head on several occasions. Shamefully some of this happened in front of my oldest kiddo whonwas a baby/toddler st the time. It made me think about giving him up for adoption just so one of us were free and safe. (Thankfully I didn't and we got away).

I can't say it was the last time he choked me out but the one that plays in my head when I think about it was when he put me up against the apartment door. I remember thinking "there's a cop that lives just a few doors down. I hope he's home." And then the anger in my ex's face. And then my vision went so white light it went black (I don't know how to describe it). I remember watching him drop me. I couldn't move I couldn't breath I just stared as everything got hazing and hazier like a fog. I remember watching him pace a bit before basically smacking me movabley conscious and then breathing.

I stayed with him for years after this. Any time he went to jail or prison I'd visit him. He would tell me or mouth it if it was being recorded that 'he'd kill me if I ever left him.' If that wasn't enough to get me to open my eyes.... it wasn't.

Long of the short I have even let my husband know if I ever go missing it's my ex and here's all his info. If I ever get abducted or murdered it will be because of my ex. It's been 11 years. I get updates thru the prison system when he's released. I check CCAP at least twice a year. I think I'd feel better if he hadn't had a baby with my SIL's sister (while we were together). So I always feel like there's this chance he could find me as we are all in the same state still. And my SIL thinks I made it all up (bc that's what her sister told her, hmmmhmmmm). Despite the long record dude has (I have never been arrested) and signs of abuse I had recorded or saved as evidence in case. We are not fans of each other to say the least.

I know I'm lucky to be here. And now that I know terms "gaslighting" and "narcissistic" I have been able to share my gut red flags and story with friends and have helped a few of them leave long abusive relationships. Maybe not as physically abusive but mental games are just as dangerous. My ex cut away at any self worth I had and even though it's been over a decade I still question myself often. I have little trust and it's hard for me to trust new people even if it's a best friend's dear friend kinda deal.

Anyone reading this if you are on the fence to leave, this is my personal permission for you to get out.

Create a safe grab and go bag, stay with friends or family or go to The Y whatever you gotta do, leave and start living your life!

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u/OSRS_Satriani Jan 15 '22

Prior incidents of strangulation is the #1 risk factor in whether or not a partner will kill their spouse.

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u/AJDillonsMiddleLeg Jan 15 '22

Honestly, it's the most likely outcome by far. If someone choking you in a blind rage doesn't kill you, it's because they were never in a blind rage and they were fully conscious of what they were doing and knew when they needed to stop.

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u/SayeretJoe Jan 14 '22

Also the fact that he was basically blaming her “why’d you get me mad, this is your fault”. Big red flag!

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u/MomoKun999 Jan 15 '22

This is actually something that they teach now in law enforcement as an EXTREMELY bad sign for escalation of domestic violence.

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u/AmettOmega Jan 15 '22

No kidding, especially with his foot on her neck. Like, WTF.

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u/CAPITAL_CUNT Jan 14 '22

Fuck ANYONE who is reading these comments and thinking, "These fat feminist females are so paranoid!" Intimate partner violence is the number one cause of death of pregnant women, and more than half of the women and the girls who have been murdered around the world were killed by a family member or a previous or current partner1.

P.S., Sorry I responded to you in particular.

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u/emu314159 Jan 15 '22

Death by vagal inhibition is a thing, though it usually occurs afaik where someone is full on both hands strangling someone. But it's always a possibility with any serious pressure.

Jesus this guy is a psycho.

4

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '22

It happens so fast and so easily too. People don't get the danger of it.

-9

u/mybrainisabitch Jan 14 '22

I believe this. One time in high school I snapped with anger and it was like I have no memory from when I was standing there to when I came to with my hand around this girl's throat. Two guys tried to get me off of her but it wasn't until I got pushed back off balance and fell into the lockers that I let go. I still don't know to this day how hard I was choking her but I imagine it was hard considering I didn't let go and she kind of came with me when I fell. It only ever happened once and luckily there was a crowd around us so it didn't get too far but who knows what would have happened if people didn't get involved...

7

u/[deleted] Jan 14 '22

Exactly. It will escalate. Strangulation is one of the most common ways a someone kills their partner

7

u/Theundead565 Jan 15 '22

Exactly this. Cycle of domestic violence is definitely a thing. Honeymoon phase -> verbal abuse -> physical abuse -> Apology -> repeat ad nauseum, but with less time between cycles until one day it goes a bit to far.

Everything in this post screams D.V victim... Not sure they're in the right. "I truely believe he's a nice guy" even after physical abuse, feels bad about the consequences brought about by their S.O actions.

To the OP: I'm not one to throw this around lightly, and I myself have been accused of being emotionally abusive in a past relationship, but fucking bail as soon as you can.

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u/retroguy02 Jan 15 '22 edited Jan 15 '22

This. So much this. This behaviour isn't a red flag, it's a flashing red signal with a tooting horn and a train approaching. OP's neighbours literally saved her life.

7

u/SuperStrawbear Jan 15 '22

I'm fairly convinced that if my mum didn't grab me and run (back when I was quite little) when she did that eventually my dad would have killed her or something close to it. Hell, I don't know if I would still be alive given I was much closer to my mum than to him.

Once the abuse starts the only logical decision is to get out. Yes, everyone loses their cool and does things they regret but the moment you lay your hands on someone else in violence then you've crossed a very obvious line that cements any red flags that may have already been there.

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u/all_allie Jan 15 '22

This. There has actual been studies that prove that strangulation is a significant predictor of attempted and completes murder.

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u/[deleted] Jan 15 '22 edited Feb 11 '22

[deleted]

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u/llewapllyn Jan 15 '22

Yeah sorry to bear bad news but if you stay with him he will kill you. Either this month or in 30 years, but it will happen.

2

u/AnaMaxine Jan 14 '22

this, hes gonna kill OP

2

u/ThinTheFuckingHerd Jan 14 '22

^ This right here little lady, if you stay, he WILL kill you.

2

u/BizarroBenes Jan 15 '22

Strangulation significantly statistically increases the likelihood the perp will kill their partner the next time or in another incident shortly theraftee, even if it isn't the very next incident.

Never. See. Him. Again.

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u/Rearrangemetilimsane Jan 15 '22

All she needs to is go back and see the Gabby/Brian timeline to see her future. If she stays with him.

2

u/Sasha_111 Jan 15 '22

I agree, and the Gabby Petito case comes to mind as I write this.

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u/Zeddog13 Jan 15 '22

This is exactly right. Go now, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 - save your own life. You got this.

1

u/serda211 Jan 15 '22

Yes. Please leave and never turn back OP.

-1

u/Obvious-Tension5099 Jan 15 '22

Correct. Internet. Good job. Tell her he’s gonna kill her. That’ll help things.

347

u/Music_Is_My_Muse Jan 14 '22

It's not might. He will kill her if she doesn't get away from him now.

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u/SeaWolfMocha Jan 14 '22

He’s a nice guy except: he chokes, places foot over your throat, he’s aggressive, blames you for everything, gaslights you by saying your abusive, and blames you because he has the emotions of a four year old? He is not a nice guy and you deserve so much better.

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u/Ignorad Jan 15 '22

Heck, he might still try to track her down and kill her. Angry dudes get very vindictive when things go wrong and it's all the woman's fault.

10

u/ForTheLoveOfHoney Jan 15 '22

Statistics support that choking leads to murder. Please get away, stay away, and find some healing and hope. It sounds like you have done a ton of your own personal work. Keep pushing forward and shed your abuser.

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u/jsteele2793 Jan 14 '22

This is so much the correct answer. I really hope OP has enough confidence to realize this.

4

u/jprefect Jan 15 '22

GO, Girl, GET OUT OF THERE!

-1

u/CampEnthusiast Jan 15 '22

I really hope OP has enough confidence to realize this.

They absolutely do not, they are obviously extremely psychologically damaged.

"I was recording because when this sort of thing happens i tend to gaslight myself a lot" This woman is 100% a future murder victim.

9

u/someanimeguy1234 Jan 15 '22

Lots of guys have crazy ex-girlfriend stories but women generally don't have crazy ex-boyfriend stories because they ones that do are dead. I always say this to people debating on leaving their abusive partner.

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u/Boboar Jan 14 '22

Fuck "one day". He might kill you the very next time he sees you.

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u/quichehond Jan 15 '22

One woman a week is killed by her male partner in Australia. Just yesterday a man stabbed his wife and six year old daughter. The ten year old daughter managed to escape.

These men are not loving husbands and fathers. They are not having a bad day. They are abusers and murderers.

I’m glad op is out.

6

u/JuanOnlyJuan Jan 15 '22

Block on social media, phone, etc.

As a dude, and a dad of 2 daughters please don't contact that guy again. You can't fix him. His parents already broke him.

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u/Paprmoon7 Jan 14 '22

Also get a restraining order

4

u/bestfronds Jan 14 '22

SANE nurse here. Choking is so ducking dangerous and people don’t even know it. You can die so fast, and sometimes long after it’s over. Do not allow this to happen again.

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u/OracleOfPlenty Jan 15 '22

Hopping onto the top comment to say that choking is the #1 behavior associated with an abuser becoming a murderer. An abuser who chokes you is SEVEN TIMES as likely to kill you. Source here.

Please, every time you think you must be wrong and he must not mean to hurt you, remember: seven times as likely to kill you, whether he "means it" or not. Stay strong, lean on your support system, and do not go back. Please.

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u/Mrshaydee Jan 15 '22

Murder podcasts are filled with stories that started exactly like yours did. Get. Out. Now. It does not get better.

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u/kelsitear Jan 15 '22

Please follow this advice. I left an abusive relationship in December. He bought a gun after having his other ones taken away. I kept trying to convince myself he wouldn't hurt me. I was also getting treatment for anxiety, and gaslit and blamed myself.

When you're safe with your parents, you will feel so much better. Pack now. Don't stop until you're gone. The adrenaline kept me awake. I kept reminding myself that I had to pack and leave or die.

Pack your important documents. There are lists online to help you make sure you don't forget anything. Everything not on that list, you can leave. Heck, you can leave things ON the list. The only thing that's irreplaceable in that house in your life.

I hope you get out. I think you'll find that as you do, there are LOTS of us who have been through it. My neighbor saw me packing, came over and hugged me, and told he she had been where I was.

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u/TimmJimmGrimm Jan 15 '22

Stats say the person who will kill you is the person you marry (almost always men).

https://www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/oct/20/domestic-private-violence-women-men-abuse-hbo-ray-rice

According to the Guardian, they hunt you down and kill you - after you get away?

Humans are weird and often they suck.

3

u/Wackydetective Jan 14 '22

My brother walked in on my brother in law choking my sister and she was almost out. They don’t change and my sister would have probably been dead if that jerk had not done us the favour of taking a hot shot of heroin.

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u/twopillowsforme Jan 15 '22

Yes, take this SCREAMING OPPORTUNITY and pack and go, baby. Best to you

2

u/DerHumpink0 Jan 14 '22

This behavior will escalate. Choking is the #1 predictor of future intimate partner homicide. Get out and do not let him know where you are. Most intimate partner homicides also occur after the abused party leaves the relationship.

2

u/Captain_Dachshund Jan 15 '22

Listen to this advice, just go and never look back mate. I've been in your shoes, I called the police to help me get my belongings out and just left the state.

2

u/Extroverted_Recluse Jan 15 '22

This is the correct answer.

Never, ever, see him again.

2

u/Banana-Louigi Jan 15 '22

Strangulation is the biggest indicator that a perpetrator will kill the victim/survivor. GTFO and never ever go back.

2

u/wellshire Jan 15 '22

The guy that chokes people by stepping on their necks to the point of them nearly killing will absolutely kill someone.

2

u/petitenurseotw Jan 15 '22

I had several opportunities to do so with my ex. He choked me once while I was driving. But no, I provided a roof over his head and money on his books. He got shot two years ago. Jail is the perrrrrfect time to disappear

2

u/mmerrill450 Jan 15 '22

Correction. He put his foot on your neck. He WILL KILL you one day if you go back. NEVER DOUBT THAT FOR A SECOND!

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u/mmerrill450 Jan 15 '22

Correction. He put his foot on your neck. He WILL KILL you one day if you go back. NEVER DOUBT THAT FOR A SECOND

2

u/cl3ft Jan 15 '22

So many stories about dead women start just like this, they weren't strong enough to leave... Please OP.

1

u/GrungyGrandPappy Jan 15 '22

Get out now. Change your number. Block him everywhere and never look back.

1

u/Louis-Cyfer Jan 15 '22

Seconding this with an addendum, never speak to him again either.