r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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u/berecyntia Jan 14 '22

Please listen to this, OP. You can't "not on purpose" choke someone with your foot on their neck. That's a deliberate act, and the next escalation is murder. He is not a good guy. He has never been a good guy. He has just done a grand job of gaslighting you into believing he is. Get out now.

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u/RockStarState Jan 14 '22 Helpful

Get out now.

Just a heads up, as someone who survived this exact scenario not too long ago -

"Get out now" is actually always bad advice. When you're planning to escape an abusive relationship a very important part of it is the plan to get out and risk assessment, because if you do it wrong you can die.

There are tools online to risk assess, and the only reason I survived was because I was able to make a plan with my therapist that minimized a risk to my safety.

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u/gugalgirl Jan 14 '22

This is true, but if bf is in jail, it's actually the best time for OP to escape and go into hiding.

OP, if you can get a another city with DV services or DV services in your current area please do. They can help with housing, getting a restraining order and other resources. They may even have an emergency shelter.

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u/RockStarState Jan 14 '22

Yup, but also be prepared to get a PO box. They'll need your address when the state presses charges and a PO box keeps you safer so your address is not on any documents he could see

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u/barrychapman Jan 14 '22

happy cake day!

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u/birdmommy Jan 14 '22

But if he’s in jail at the moment, isn’t now the best time to get out? She has a chance to go through her stuff, get important documents, etc. and just be gone by the time he gets released.

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u/RockStarState Jan 14 '22

But if he’s in jail at the moment, isn’t now the best time to get out?

Yes, and no. Only OP knows her situation. From what we know it looks good, but it's not the safest thing for us to give that advice without knowing the full picture.

I was also speaking more generally than anything - whenever you have someone talk about an abusive relationship a lot of people's first reaction is the "just get out now" rhetoric as if it is 1. Safe and 2. Actually possible. It's always best to offer support and leave it up the professionals!

It's also important to make sure you educate yourself on how to talk to survivors - "just get out" is pretty much universally on the "things not to say" list - especially to a stranger.

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u/birdmommy Jan 14 '22

Thank you for the explanation!

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u/barrychapman Jan 14 '22

happy cake day!

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u/drakmordis Jan 14 '22

If the guy is in custody now, then now is a fine time