r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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u/Thatcsibloke Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22 Silver Gold Platinum Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Rocket Like To The Stars Eureka! Helpful (Pro) Awesome Answer

It is categorically NOT your fault, the blame lies only with him. Take a step back and re-read some of those things you’ve written.

Choking me

Put his foot on my neck

I could die

He doesn’t realise how angry he gets

Blaming me for everything

Sometimes he was aggressive

I went upstairs to apologise

He said I was abusive

All my fault for getting him mad

I’m on anti-anxiety medication

I blame myself

He is programming you to believe you are at fault and you are falling into his trap. It’s interesting that you’re “in a new city” because isolation from family and friends is often engineered by offenders. He knows what he has been doing and he’s gaslighting you by blaming you. He is a violent bully, he is a domestic abuser, he is not your boyfriend. He is a monster and a loser, and you need to take advantage of his arrest and leave. If you don’t have the strength, then get your parents (and a shelter or the police) to help.

Get out for your own safety, and don’t look back.

Edit: wow. The old inbox has blown up and my iPad has caught fire. I’m trying to thank everyone for their awards but my management is poor! If I don’t thank you personally, know that I am grateful, but there are other people on here making great comments, and they deserve your attention! Together, we might convince the OP that she is not to blame, and that it’s time to get out, especially while her bullying partner is in the cells. Having read some of the comments on here I can see that academic research is warning of murder (700% more likely) and that message is critical for all women in relationships (and some men, who make up about 1 in 10 domestic violence victims).

To all of you who have difficult relationships, know this: we tell women to lock their doors and windows at night to keep out the bogeyman, but doing so means you are locking yourself in with the person who is most likely to kill you.

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u/Lettuphant Jan 14 '22

Can confirm, moving a partner to a location away from all their support networks and family is common. I've had friends moved into the middle of the countryside and impregnated, before they come to terms with them being an abuser 4 years later and having nowhere to go.

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u/Thatcsibloke Jan 14 '22

I said it because it happened to a friend of mine. He chased her for years, then built her a beauty parlour on a farm in a remote rural area where there was virtually no hope of getting customers. She was basically a prisoner.

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u/golfkartinacoma Jan 14 '22

That is a truth is stranger than fiction horror story!

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u/Shmeves Jan 14 '22

I'm literally watching my best friend go through with it right now. She got out of rehab and married a guy twice her age only having starting dating him a week before rehab.

Thinks I'm crazy and jealous she found someone and he's amazing.

Yet they argue every night or most nights. He supposedly has money and gets expensive diners with her but can't afford new furniture as theyre moving intk his moms basement. He works as a tattoo artist. Went with work with covid no mask.

He reads all her messages and responds for her sometimes. And he says she has to cut off all her friends as it's sacrifice and people who are married sacrifice for each other.

I don't know how to get thru to her it's so upsetting she's throwing it all away. He's giving her free tattoos and that's half the reason she's staying I bet. Promising to make her famous. He's semi famous too.

Piece of shit. They started dating cause he hit her up after having a crush on her since she was 16 (she's 24 now) begging to fuck for a free tattoo.

Sorry had to vent it's frustrating watching a Trainwreck and knowing it's coming but unable to stop it.