r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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u/FreelanceSubversion Jan 14 '22 edited Jan 14 '22

IT IS HIS OWN FAULT THAT HE ASSAULTED YOU. You do not deserve to be abused.

Write it on a piece of paper in your wallet. On the mirror. On the fridge. Sharpie it on your arm.

KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF. Make it a mantra.

IT IS HIS OWN FAULT THAT HE ASSAULTED YOU.

The way the abuse mentality works is by assigning blame to the victim, and making them question themselves.

Were you absolutely perfect 100% of the time? No, obviously not, you're a human. Did the things you did "wrong" mean you deserved to be attacked and choked? NO.

This is one of the mindtraps of abuse mentality. Doing things wrong does NOT = deserving to be threatened or assaulted.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE ASSAULTED YOU.

*Edit - it could be useful to include "HIS OWN ACTIONS GOT HIM ARRESTED" into the mantra.

Being loving or nice at times, DOES NOT ERASE harmful/violent behavior, or the responsibility of harmful/behavior.

To see the situation more clearly, imagine yourself in that role, of attacking someone smaller than you because they annoyed you. Pretty sure you would never do that, nor dismiss it if you did "because you were loving or nice to them" before / after. The guilt is part of the abuse mindset. It is temporary, but so very compelling right now. Find a few mantras that help, and repeat them all day/night, until this stage of recovery passes.

Also, him getting arrested for this is going to help create a paper trail that may help keep another woman safe.

174

u/imwearingredsocks Jan 14 '22

Also add that he is fully aware when he is angry.

“Losing control” when you’re angry or “not realizing how angry” you get is not a thing. You’ve allowed yourself to get to that level of anger. If you’re capable of it, getting that angry is the easier part. Holding it back is what’s difficult.

But most people are conscious and remember everything. Blind anger is the most convenient excuse in the abusive playbook.

52

u/thebeandream Jan 14 '22

I’d counter that blind anger is a thing. It’s just a lot more rare than abusers pretend for it to be.

Personally If I knew I were prone to “blacking out” I’d separate myself from people I cared about until I got it under control.