r/TwoXChromosomes Jan 14 '22

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u/MollyMohawk1985 Jan 15 '22 Helpful

My ex before my (amazing and kind) husband would choke me out often when he'd get angry. Usually something I had no control over. He would talk down to me, twist my words, steal, beat me, go MIA and come back whenever he wanted, he put his gun to my head on several occasions. Shamefully some of this happened in front of my oldest kiddo whonwas a baby/toddler st the time. It made me think about giving him up for adoption just so one of us were free and safe. (Thankfully I didn't and we got away).

I can't say it was the last time he choked me out but the one that plays in my head when I think about it was when he put me up against the apartment door. I remember thinking "there's a cop that lives just a few doors down. I hope he's home." And then the anger in my ex's face. And then my vision went so white light it went black (I don't know how to describe it). I remember watching him drop me. I couldn't move I couldn't breath I just stared as everything got hazing and hazier like a fog. I remember watching him pace a bit before basically smacking me movabley conscious and then breathing.

I stayed with him for years after this. Any time he went to jail or prison I'd visit him. He would tell me or mouth it if it was being recorded that 'he'd kill me if I ever left him.' If that wasn't enough to get me to open my eyes.... it wasn't.

Long of the short I have even let my husband know if I ever go missing it's my ex and here's all his info. If I ever get abducted or murdered it will be because of my ex. It's been 11 years. I get updates thru the prison system when he's released. I check CCAP at least twice a year. I think I'd feel better if he hadn't had a baby with my SIL's sister (while we were together). So I always feel like there's this chance he could find me as we are all in the same state still. And my SIL thinks I made it all up (bc that's what her sister told her, hmmmhmmmm). Despite the long record dude has (I have never been arrested) and signs of abuse I had recorded or saved as evidence in case. We are not fans of each other to say the least.

I know I'm lucky to be here. And now that I know terms "gaslighting" and "narcissistic" I have been able to share my gut red flags and story with friends and have helped a few of them leave long abusive relationships. Maybe not as physically abusive but mental games are just as dangerous. My ex cut away at any self worth I had and even though it's been over a decade I still question myself often. I have little trust and it's hard for me to trust new people even if it's a best friend's dear friend kinda deal.

Anyone reading this if you are on the fence to leave, this is my personal permission for you to get out.

Create a safe grab and go bag, stay with friends or family or go to The Y whatever you gotta do, leave and start living your life!