r/suspiciouslyspecific Oct 06 '22 Helpful 2 Wholesome 3 All-Seeing Upvote 1

that's something 🧐

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98.6k Upvotes

u/VerySuspiciousBot Oct 06 '22

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5.6k

u/CindySvensson Oct 06 '22

I figured an actual criminal was asking, but maybe it's the FBI. So much more funny.

2.4k

u/lemmeputafuckingname Oct 06 '22

If I were a criminal, which I'm not, I would hide it somewhere outside my house, totally random, but only if I were a criminal which again I am not.

967

u/swagasus Oct 06 '22

I did some contracting work for a power utility and they said the green transformer boxes were a popular hiding place for illicit items because they sit on neutral land and lockable. All they needed was to acquire a pentabolt wrench.

722

u/SparrowTits Oct 06 '22 Helpful

Pentabolt wrench - sounds like something baphomet would have in his toolkit

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u/DoverBoys Oct 06 '22

Pentabolts are popular hardware items in "lazy secure" applications because it's an uncommon shape. Nearly every video game cartridge in the past (Nintendo, Sega, Atari) used pentabolts. Anyone that has tools has a Philips, a flat head, and some assortment of hex screwdrivers. Take one side off the hex and you get Penta, which is an awkward shape for common tools.

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u/SparrowTits Oct 06 '22

Hex screwdriver - we're back to Baphomets toolkit again

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u/Soddington Oct 06 '22

Hail Dark Building Supervisor! Ground this unworthy supplicate and double truss the shed roof I beseech thee!

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u/Sangxero Oct 06 '22

So how's the job at Wolfram & Hart going?

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u/Old_Description6095 Oct 06 '22

Oldie but a goodie

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u/DAM091 Oct 06 '22

The base of streetlight poles is a very popular place for drug dealers to keep their stash. They each think they came up with it

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u/BangkokPadang Oct 06 '22

When “geocaching” was big, it seems like 80% of caches were kept under the base of streetlights. This post made teenager me sad that I never found a big stash of drugs.

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u/texican42 Oct 06 '22

This was actually how Russian drug smugglers used to deliver drugs to their customers into recent times. The customer would transfer x amount of money to the dealer, then the dealer would send them a geocache location for the amount they requested.

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u/zenchemin Oct 06 '22

That just makes me think "digital footprint". Leaving evidence behind for police to use in court.

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u/drewster23 Oct 06 '22

I mean it's more dead drops than actual "Geo caches". It's an option some Russian darknet markets have /had.

Actually much safer, more reliable too as there is no actual connection to you, no mailing no meeting customer no nothing. They drop it at the dead drop then message you the info, you go get it.

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u/spicywizard420 Oct 06 '22

“I swear officer, I was just out for a walk and I found it!”

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u/drewster23 Oct 06 '22

They are/were actually very creative it's not just some box on a tree in a random forest.

Like they could hide it in a populated bar/establishment without anyone knowing.

It was a very interesting niche of darknet markets back then, have no clue anything about it since reddit took down all those subs.

But i remember reading some good stories /reviews of such practice.

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u/sittin_on_grandma Oct 06 '22

I used to geocache with my stepdaughter, and my favorite spot was where the only clue was “don’t hang around too long.” I thought it was just a warning that the cops would chase you off, cos it was on a bridge. After several months, she noticed a piece of fishing twine tied the the chain link, and it was just a silver pod that hung freely over the highway! You can only see it from the road when you’re right under it, and only if you know exactly where it was.

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u/DAM091 Oct 06 '22

I've never done it before, but it seems like something I'd enjoy

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u/BlossumButtDixie Oct 06 '22

Still pretty active in some areas at least so you should try it. There are several geocaches in a large park near me that have been active since my kids were interested in it back when it was first popular back in the days before most people had smart phones. Now you can do it with your phone with the information from the website, or pay to use their app. The app to me is kind of cheating because it is apparently more accurate. Using your phone and the website is pretty similar to how it was back when you purchase a gps to do it as far as how accurate google maps is.

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u/JBHUTT09 Oct 06 '22

If no one told them, then they did come up with it. Multiple people can come up with the same idea independently.

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u/britainknee Oct 06 '22

Taped to the underside of a big leaf/ potted plant outside might be good

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u/No-Height2850 Oct 06 '22

I would also look for fake rocks used for hiding keys that you can buy online.

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u/laplongejr Oct 06 '22

Reminds me of that Leslie Nielsen movie where he finds a fake key with a rock in it, and uses that to break a window

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u/roadrunner00 Oct 06 '22

I always say that too. Like buried in the back yard, under the deck, in the gutter, wedged in a tree branch, etc. Seems like the possibilities are better there. Inside you have what? Flushing it down the toilet, in a drawer, under the mattress.

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u/FkIForgotMyPassword Oct 06 '22

Canalisations are good I think. There are so many. It can be a sink's siphon for instance (inside of a small waterproof bag). Or if you have cast-iron radiators, chances are a small USB stick could fit. In 30 minutes if you're not in the middle of winter, you can close the valves on both ends of the radiator, open the canalisation on top and empty a little bit of water from there, empty a little bit of water from under the radiator as well, then put the stick in there. The stick is safe until someone opens the valves again, and pretty well hidden.

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u/nobollocks22 Oct 06 '22

In a container of rice or flower, in the butter, in the dirty underwear basket, in the battery compartment of the dildo.

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u/RandomPerson4644 Oct 06 '22

I definitely have a whole container of flowers sitting in my house

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u/Flaky_Ad_5437 Oct 06 '22

I live next to a forest so simply bucking it in there no one would ever find it

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u/laffiesaffie Oct 06 '22

Unless they have a metal detector; in which case, it's just a matter of time and patience.

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u/dshoig Oct 06 '22

Difficult to prove ownership of a usb stick found in the forrest

105

u/Ace-a-Nova1 Oct 06 '22

Pretty easy to plug it in and find your old biology paper about how the mitochondria generates ATP by utilizing the energy released during the oxidation of the food we eat, with your name on it.

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u/Bluegunfire Oct 06 '22

Shit, they’re on to me

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u/dontworryitsme4real Oct 06 '22

We found them boys! Swarm swarm swarm!!!

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u/thelegumepolice7 Oct 06 '22

It's crazy that I already know the introduction sentence to this paper. "Mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell..."

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u/cudef Oct 06 '22

Be a big brain and hide it in an FBI HQ building. They'll probably never raid themselves.

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u/Kuftubby Oct 06 '22

In the electrical panel, taped behind the bus bar. I promise you no dog is sniffing that one out.

Just gotta be real careful putting it back there because a phase to ground short has pretty violent outcomes.

Or just throw it in the attic somewhere. I've lost more crap in my blow-in insulation than I care to admit. Unless they vacuumed its all out, there would be no way of finding it.

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u/ryvenn Oct 06 '22

I had the same idea about the attic insulation; if we both came up with it they probably already have thought to look there.

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u/Kuftubby Oct 06 '22

They would still have to vacuum out all the insulation and then dig through all the insulation to find it. If they are willing to go to that extreme, there would be nowhere you could reasonably hide the device in the house which would make this whole thought experiment moot.

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u/PaulN07 Oct 06 '22

Nar they would just use a metal detector. Would get a lot of false positives but would defiantly help reduce the amount of searching.

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u/zpjester Oct 06 '22

Throw it into the attic insulation along with a few handfuls of nails.

105

u/GeorgeRRZimmerman Oct 06 '22

In a pressure cooker sealed shut, filled with black powder, on a timer. The FBI haaaaates when people do that.

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u/Dabier Oct 06 '22

the fbi hates this one weird trick!

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u/Flux83 Oct 06 '22

I bought a house last year and there was no insulation in the garage. But there was a bunch of junk in there like pool noodles shelf brackets.. yeah all of that is up there still buried under a foot thick of blown in.

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u/IHateYuumi Oct 06 '22 All-Seeing Upvote

Well I’d wrap it with some duct tape and put a string around it. Then I’d slip that thing down the sewer main and secure the string by twisting it in the threads of the cap.

I’d then take 10 other USB drives, add a bunch of garbage to each and encrypt them. Then hide those is easier to find places.

Hopefully they find one or more of the fake ones and because they won’t be able to decrypt them on the spot think that they got me. But if you simply hide the drive their dog will sniff it out easy.

1.1k

u/redldr1 Oct 06 '22

You might be a good FBI agent or an excellent drug dealer.

572

u/GT-FractalxNeo Oct 06 '22

Or an excellent drug-dealing FBI agent.

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u/Mono_831 Oct 06 '22

Silk Road has entered the chat

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u/Lordminigunf Oct 06 '22

I mean realistically 10 is too many. You want to convince them they can stop searching. At most hide 2 extras. You want one to seem like a decoy and a second to actually be decently hidden to make them think they're hot shit and figured you out by not falling for the first one.

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u/jamart Oct 06 '22

Bear in mind how much suspicion could be inferred in having false drives stashed...

You'd need to have like, really embarrassing poetry you'd written on them to help justify it.

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u/cowboys5xsbs Oct 06 '22

Just have a USB full of gay porn it worked for Dahmer

112

u/TagMeAJerk Oct 06 '22

As a bonus, Hollywood leeches would make a documentary about you over and over again and idiots on the tiktok and Instagram would make thirst traps about you

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u/gruesomeflowers Oct 06 '22

im only on episode 7 so im not sure if usb drives have been invented by then

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u/DaStormgit Oct 06 '22

true the usb only gets invented in episode 9

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u/Dabier Oct 06 '22

You could download the most obscene (legal) porn you could find and act all embarrassed, that’ll probably do it.

I mean shit that’s gonna make the guy who has to watch every second of it need a vacation after.

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u/Dovienya55 Oct 06 '22

1000 random filename variable length and quality copies of 2 girls 1 cup, and 1 goatse.

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u/TotallyErratic Oct 06 '22

Finally, the bag of literally hundreds of random USB I picked up from decades of corporate conferences had a use. Couple of them had various viruses on them for...ehh...curiosity purpose. Encrypt a dozen or so and scatter them in random piles around the house. Then create a huge mess on top of them.

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u/ChahmedImsure Oct 06 '22

I just got PTSD from working st RadioShack. We had some clearance sale that made these specific flash drives $1.99 each. The protection plan stayed the same and was also $1.99, so there was a 0% reason for anyone to get it. And we had to have like a 30% rate of selling those stupid protection plans as part of a potential bonus.

But yeah, this teacher came in and bought 50 of the fucking things. I had like a 5% rate of selling protection plans that week, rofl. Fuck radioshack.

Kind of a tangent, but picturing you with a mountain of USB drives reminded me of that.

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u/__kit Oct 06 '22

can dogs smell usb drives? i would take the chip out (remove outside and connector) and hide it inside another electronic device

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u/porntla62 Oct 06 '22

Some solvents, plastic additives and compounds in general only get used in electronics.

Dogs can smell those compounds.

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u/TinyMarcos64 Oct 06 '22

I always thought that if I had to really hide an USB drive I would just keep it inside another eletronic, so maybe I would get away with it. But IDK how deep they go, if they go opening every device then no, otherwise putting inside my Playstation would do it.

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u/theslip74 Oct 06 '22

I've definitely heard people who got raided for internet/computer related (and sometimes completely unrelated) crime complain that the cops took "all" their electronics. So I would count on them taking anything electronic.

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u/Swissgeese Oct 06 '22

This is pretty accurate. They will take that PS5, and look through it. Lots of criminal cases involving internet/data is going to result in a search warrant for any and all electronics.

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u/GreyReanimator Oct 06 '22

I vote for this guys idea. Its the best so far.

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u/Number_Necessary Oct 06 '22

Unscrew one side of a hinge on a door. Cut small hole, put usb in hole, screw hinge back on door, vacuum the sawdust. I have never had a house searched by the police but they dont take the doors off the hinges on Law and order.

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u/Chumpacabra Oct 06 '22

Electronics sniffer dogs will find it immediately. You'd probably have to coat it in something to keep the smell out. Maybe just smear some petroleum jelly on it, that'd probably do the trick.

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u/ToddTheOdd Oct 06 '22

I'm imagining the agent holding the dog up to sniff the top hinge. 😂

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u/online_jesus_fukers Oct 06 '22

Odor falls. Explosives dog certification includes hides up to 8 ft high.

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u/WhyWouldIPostThat Oct 06 '22

So we hide it 9 feet high, gotcha.

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u/online_jesus_fukers Oct 06 '22

That would defeat my midget dog for sure unless she can find something to jump up onto

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u/ThexxxDegenerate Oct 06 '22

I refuse to believe those dogs are all that accurate when sniffing for something like a USB drive. They already have a hard enough time sniffing for drugs in someones car and you’re telling me they are gonna find a USB hidden in a door hinge? Finding a bomb is one thing but a usb drive is completely different.

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u/tornadoRadar Oct 06 '22

plastic wrap

drop into a sink.

its sitting under water now in the P trap

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u/TommyTuShoes Oct 06 '22

They have electronic sniffing dogs? How would that even reliably work

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u/Pharaoh_Misa Oct 06 '22

fbi immediately deletes their post

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u/flippzeedoodle Oct 06 '22

The FBI is too busy posting questions to r/AskReddit about what boobs and sex feel like

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u/intashu Oct 06 '22

I'd hide it where the rest of my USB drives are.

Which is to say I have no fucking idea. Set it on my desk, next I check it's gone forever.

I've even moved and not found drives before.

And that is why I always either encript with a password.. Or never store important things in flash. God knows where they end up, or who finds them, I'll never get to see the look on some strangers face when they figure out why the "Taxes 2004" folder is 31gb of storage on that 32gb drive.

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u/Jaxager Oct 06 '22

In the Bible, I think it's in the book of Genesis, it clearly states that you'll be reunited with all of the socks you lost and all of the USB drives you've lost over the course of your lifetime. My favorite is that you'll be reunited with all the books you loaned to friends and never got back.

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u/Specific-Gain5710 Oct 06 '22 Wholesome

Jokes on them. My house has a black hole that hides something when it’s needed the most. I don’t have to worry about hiding it, all I have to say is “man I really need this thing” and my house takes care of it.

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u/Outside-Log-2104 Oct 06 '22

Same, but it's when my brain gets tired of something. Doesn't matter if it's the keys to my car. The car stalled yesterday? Brain says fuck you, car keys! and yeets them into the upside down.

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u/Additional-Ability99 Oct 06 '22

30 minutes is way too much time. If they're taking that long I'd just hide it somewhere else

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u/Jernsaxe Oct 06 '22

Assuming the data isn't more important than your freedom, 30 minutes is also a decent amount of time make the data on the drive unuseable

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u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

[deleted]

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u/Zonavabeesh Oct 06 '22

what if trigabytes

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u/testing_the_mackeral Oct 06 '22

I’m glad you didn’t use a hard r here.

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u/goldcripple Oct 06 '22

Hide It in their arses

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u/AssumeItsSarcastic Oct 06 '22 That Smile

They check your ass, very rarely will they check your dog's.

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u/BravoWolf88 Oct 06 '22

No, no, no. He was saying hide it in the FBI’s arses. They never check their own!

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u/angelis0236 Oct 06 '22

They spend too much time with their heads up there I think they'd notice.

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u/dutch_penguin Oct 06 '22

Ah, hiding it right under their noses.

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u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

Can confirm, cops not once checked my dogs ass. They were however very interested in the fridge, when they first opened it I thought they were just helping themselves to food.

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u/Dailonjeos Oct 06 '22

Wait what?

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u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

I said that they never inspected my dogs ass.

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u/CaffeineSippingMan Oct 06 '22

I was at a party not long after 9/11. Someone stole a wallet that bad airport security (a credit card sized thing). I was told the cops may want to seach your house. I am thinking well if I did steal it it wouldn't be at my house anymore. A cop showed up asking to search. I thought to myself I don't have it what could hurt(I was young), so I said sure. He gets on his radio and asks for his back-up or something. He is waiting for the other cop and starts snooping around our grow light for the house plant. Suddenly I didn't want him in my house.

  1. I don't have the airport security because I didn't take it.

  2. How much of a mess would he make of my house looking for a credit card. I could have slightly pulled apart a hollow door and put it in there, or it could be under the carpet. The places it could be were endless. Hell my wife has a room for junk (kids stuff they did growing up, hobbies, seasonal decode, ect.

  3. I didn't have anything that I would considered illegal, but like the light may look suspicious. (Off the top of my head we have lots of small camping propane tanks. (I worked for a warehouse and the would sell things cheap at a store they no longer wanted, and I thought I was going to use my small camping grill more). Who knows what else that they would find interesting.

So I said, you know what, I am sorry, I changed my mind, I would rather you didn't look search my house, I guess you will need a warrant, sorrh. They left and never came back.

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u/Melynnocent Oct 06 '22

Shady a$$ MF’s……I have told my kids since they were old enough to understand that cops are not your friend. (I say that with a bit of pain in my heart because I have had law enforcement family members☹️….three generations ago 😂)

But facts are facts. Just STFU…..and get a lawyer!

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u/The_Sun_Is_Flat Oct 06 '22

Sew it inside a cat toy and give it to the cat. God knows where she keeps hiding them but it will never be seen again.

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u/AllyCat121 Oct 06 '22

I had the same thought but about my toddler. He loves hiding things and we never find them. My debit card was missing for over a week and finally he walked right up and handed it to me after I'd already ordered a new one.

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u/robhol Oct 06 '22

In 30 minutes, I'd leave my phone at home and go for a walk around the city. You're not hiding shit at home in 30 min without the feds (or any other determined, trained personnel) finding it.

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u/SousvidesourD Oct 06 '22

What if you live in rural Iowa?

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u/eveliodelgado Oct 06 '22

Then hide it in rural Iowa?!

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u/Educational_Poet3934 Oct 06 '22

That's the first place they would check

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u/Illustrious_Fish777 Oct 06 '22

Well I definitely wouldn’t hide it in my house then.

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u/ladypbj Oct 06 '22

Go to the nearest outlet, unscrew the gang plate, and drop it into the wall. Will you ever get it back? Don't count on it, but the odds of them finding it are slim to none.

Another place would be the sump of the bathroom sink. Might never work again but hey, they won't find it

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u/another_awkward_brit Oct 06 '22

Endoscoping walls is something that's done - so that's not a surefire guarantee.

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u/Rosetti Oct 06 '22

Is anything really a guarantee in this hypothetical scenario?

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u/TyrantHydra Oct 06 '22

Having it not on your property without any identifying features on it marking it as your own.

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u/The-Devils-Advocator Oct 06 '22

But the hypothetical question does specify that it must be in your house.

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u/bitemark01 Oct 06 '22

Yeah the way it's worded it sounds like they're coming back with a warrant and they probably have someone watching outside

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u/ertgbnm Oct 06 '22

At that point just flush it down the toilet. I think the question presumes that you want the USB back.

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u/BIGD0G29585 Oct 06 '22

They have now have dogs that are trained to sniff out electronics like USB drives and portable HDDs.

If the dog sniffs it in the wall, they would probably tear it apart looking for it.

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u/funkdialout Oct 06 '22

That's wild, but I guess it makes sense. It is a very specific smell ( me sniffing various USB drives and external hard drives on my desk).

There is a bit of a difference with mechanical vs SSD, a slight earthy note that the SSD lacks. I think the pups will prefer the aromatics of the originals over the new stuff.

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u/cbnyc0 Oct 06 '22

Eau de Diskette

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u/Daemoniss Oct 06 '22

Disquette if you want it to look French

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u/lojo135 Oct 06 '22

It’s only disquette if it comes from the disquette region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling storage device.

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u/Incredulous_Toad Oct 06 '22

Nothing like a well aged IBM WDL-300 hard drive to really take the edge off.

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u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

Take the cover off the USB so it looks like just a chip. Open up the back of the TV and stick it with the rest of the electronic pieces

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u/eldron2323 Oct 06 '22

I like this answer. Better if you hot glue it in place with some wires traveling to it to make it look the part

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u/bannik1 Oct 06 '22

I would take it a step further, USB drives are just using a flash memory chip. All the other components except the flash memory are not useful.

Instead, of a bulky and suspicious USB stick, you can just have a phone which can read flash memory. Then only worry about hiding the chip.

You could then hide it basically anywhere. You could hide it in other electronics but my guess is those might be searched if they know they're looking for some sort of storage device.

You would need to hide it somewhere that metal wouldn't stand out, but not an obvious piece of electronics where they would collect all the memory chips.

I'd open the refrigerator or freezer door and hide it in the insulation there. Nothing is going to smell it, no metal detector is going to find it, and if they're that deep into disassembling things, they're going to find it anywhere.

The other alternative would be to go into the basement or attic and find a place you can squeeze it between the subfloor and joists or where the studs are attached. A metal detector would think it's just another nail and it's so thin you could use a razorblade to cut a line in the wood to hide it on the side not visible to the eye. They would need to be literally demolishing the house to find that.

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u/ImNotHereToBeginWith Oct 06 '22

Inside a big turd of my cats litter box

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u/funkdialout Oct 06 '22

You fool, they would find it when snacking later!

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u/ReflectionPale7743 Oct 06 '22

nothing worse then biting into a juicy turd and getting a crunchy electronic motherboard.

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u/SirTopamHatt Oct 06 '22

Although if you freeze it for 30 minuites first you get a crunchy on the outside gooey in the middle frozen treat!

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u/onetwenty_db Oct 06 '22

Yaknow, I've just gotta say, I don't much like this mental imagery. But isn't it somewhat magical that you, a person potentially anywhere on Earth, can push a combination of 26 buttons (plus punctuation!) and cause me, also potentially anywhere, to picture eating semi-frozen cat shit with a fucking thumb drive in the middle?

Language, buddy. Cool stuff.

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u/Pamikillsbugs234 Oct 06 '22

He's got cat turd collector written all over him!

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u/awhaling Oct 06 '22

Those flash drive sniffing dogs people keep talking about will look like they are just interested in cat turds, so this might be the best method

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u/Woshambo Oct 06 '22

I'd throw it in my sons room where all socks and spoons disappear

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u/thatAnthrax Oct 06 '22

wait, spoon?

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u/SH0WS0METIDDIES Oct 06 '22

Heroin doesnt shoot itself

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u/thatAnthrax Oct 06 '22

Ah yes that makes sense. I thought it's used for butt play and was confused how that's enjoyable

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u/profuse_wheezing Oct 06 '22

I mean, I’d probably hide it in the ungodly mass of winter gear, footwear and other articles of clothing in my furnace room that I’m pretty sure moves when I’m not looking.

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u/_The_Space_Monkey_ Oct 06 '22

The best thing to do is just take the casing off so the board is exposed and put it inside (laying on the motherboard) of another electronic. It's camouflage and hidden on plain sight kindof.

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u/another_awkward_brit Oct 06 '22

Assuming only the one warrant & it's strictly limited to my address, post it to myself from a public post box - if in the US, put it in the mailbox of a neighbour who I know is out.

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u/ekso69 Oct 06 '22

This guy crimes

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u/knockknock17 Oct 06 '22

I don’t think anyone would win against these dogs.

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/dog-credited-finding-thumb-drive-jared-fogle-raid-article-1.2337252

Jared had a usb drive behind drywall and the dog found it with no issues.

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u/swagasus Oct 06 '22

But if you had time to hide like this scenario, you could buy a bunch of decoy USBs and lace them with something to confuse the dogs, like the blood and cocaine mix used in WWII to confuse German dogs trying to find stowaways.

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u/H_is_for_Human Oct 06 '22

"Uh sir, we didn't find the data but there's a bunch of USB drives covered in blood and cocaine. I think we have what we need."

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u/CalDoesMaths Oct 06 '22

Is it a crime to rub your own blood over your own USB drive? I think not

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u/mrandr01d Oct 06 '22

The coke might be an issue though.

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u/knockknock17 Oct 06 '22

In 30 minutes?

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u/swagasus Oct 06 '22

Well if you’re like me you already have a bunch of random USBs, just a matter of finding something that would mess with dogs noses. I wouldn’t suggest cocaine, that might get you in bigger trouble.

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u/MatthewKashuken Oct 06 '22

If you are hiding from the FBI whatever it is, is important enough I’m sure you’d be willing to cut a finger open to cover this bad boys in some blood

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u/SecretStoic Oct 06 '22

Spend 10 minutes hiding the USB. Spend the next 20 minutes creating encrypted decoys that only contain various versions of Never Gonna Give You Up. Imagine the frustration after decrypting USB number 10 just to willingly Rick Roll yourself….again. USB 11? Word documents with scrambled Rick Roll song lyrics. USB 12? Detailed instructions on where to find the real USB that gradually morph into Never Gonna Give You Up lyrics. The possibilities are endless….

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u/DriftingNorthPole Oct 06 '22 Helpful

If the gov't shows up with a warrant for electronic devices, a: they know you have it b: they're going to find it and c: the harder you try to hide it the more shit they destroy.

Not only do they have dogs that find that stuff, they have electronics and sawzalls. They don't carefully dis assemble your cabinets when they get a hit on their sniffer. They just cut right to it. They have ground penetrating radar and shovels.

These guys were able to find finger nails and bone fragments in the WTC wreckage to ID DNA. A SD card in a house is nothing to them.

57

u/Retterkl Oct 06 '22

So finding a needle in a haystack is easy for them, I guess you got to hide it in a stack of needles then.

70

u/terrerific Oct 06 '22 Helpful

A million USBs all filled with hundreds of thousands of hours of highly compressed rickrolling. By the time they find the right one you'll be dead of old age

33

u/TK9_VS Oct 06 '22

How do you get a million USBs in 30 minutes?

25

u/Lostpandemonium Oct 06 '22

You don't have a closet slap full of USBs? Weird

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u/zirky Oct 06 '22

if you have a front loading clothes washer, hide it in the filter. why? did you know front loading washer have filters? front loading washers have filters

psa: if you have a front loading washer, you should clean your filter every few months. and you can use it for crime

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u/Galle_ Oct 06 '22

I'd just put it down and then look away for five seconds.

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u/Corndog1911 Oct 06 '22

Take a candle, put it in a pot of water and heat it on the stove until the candle melts. Wrap the drive in a a bunch of plastic wrap to seal it and help insulate from the heat, then put it inside the melted candle. Then put it in the fridge to quickly solidify the wax. Once it's done, light the candle and put it back where you got it.

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u/allthewayup7 Oct 06 '22

Bury it in the garden. Or stick it somewhere private on my person. OR climb on the roof and put it in the gutter under piles of leaves. There are so many places to hide things… not that I would know.

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u/slardybartfast8 Oct 06 '22 edited Oct 06 '22

Go on roof. Cover in soot. Reach down a full arms length and Super glue it to the inside of the chimney spout

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u/ireallyamnotcreative Oct 06 '22

Best answer in this thread is on the roof I think. In the garden it would very likely get sniffed out by dogs, assuming they were using the full extent of their resources, but I highly doubt they'd check the roof, and I don't think dogs would be able to find it. It's also fairly easy to get up there if you have a ladder.

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u/CaffeineSippingMan Oct 06 '22

The correct answer is to take a butter knife go into the neighbor's yard. Slice a 45 degree angle into the ground slide the USB drive into it step on it. Clean the knife.

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u/sophic Oct 06 '22

"Babe, why is Jerry in our backyard cutting our lawn with a butter knife?"

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u/Railionn Oct 06 '22

Take apart your graphics card and put in just the pcb board. put back together. No way will they take apart a gpu.

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u/pconwell Oct 06 '22

Local police? Yeah, probably won't.

FBI? They have a lot of people with a lot of time. If they want/need it bad enough, they will take apart eeeevvvveeeerrrryyyyttthhhiinnnngggg.

56

u/GeorgeRRZimmerman Oct 06 '22

Yeah. I completely forgot that they used to actually brute force phone logins. "But what if you set it to delete itself on X logins?"

They already imaged your phone's drive. They reflash the image and keep trying.

28

u/JonAverage Oct 06 '22

“Used to”. Don’t forget they outsource if they can’t get in.

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u/mrkdwd Oct 06 '22

If I don't need it, microwave it for 30 minutes.

If I need it, I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the USB.

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u/183747 Oct 06 '22

I would throw it into the knee deep insulation in my attic.

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u/ash_tar Oct 06 '22

In a small box in the roof gutter.

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u/SweatyRoutineRed Oct 06 '22

I once hid a joint from the cops searching my car by putting it in the straw of the Starbucks drink I had just gotten. They searched for a while and could only give me a speeding ticket

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u/godzilla1517 Oct 06 '22

Must have been a real thin joint

15

u/Interesting-Pop3277 Oct 06 '22

Real thick straw

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u/Bachooga Oct 06 '22

What you do is pop the case apart, take the PCB board and, this is the important part, specifically around the memory chip you start chewing it up. Try and eat the memory.

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u/ArmadilloSenior773 Oct 06 '22

I heard they can get to your memories now

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u/zennaque Oct 06 '22

Hide a variety of usb sticks. Real one is an sd card I've placed under the doorknob cover of the front doorm the door opens inwards so when they arrive it is technically 'in' the house, but once the door shuts it's just outside their search perimeter. Hopefully enough of a trap to keep them focused on the other sticks

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u/Cpleofcrazies2 Oct 06 '22

Place 100 or so USB's all over your house.

Quickly put it in an envelope addressed to yourself with your address as the return, put it in a mail box. A few days after the cops come the US mail returns it to you.

Use magic

20

u/you_are_wrong_tho Oct 06 '22

you have 100 usbs laying around, and 100 different fake hiding spots? you only have 30 minutes!

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u/ArmadilloSenior773 Oct 06 '22

hollow out a potato or something and stick it in there and put a potato cork back. Also Buy 100000 USB drives, cover them in glue, and scatter them everywhere.

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u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

Cling film, celotape it inside your sink's "U" pipe, put everything back as it was. Not neat, keep it messy under the sink.

Then, neaten up somewhere in the living room, maybe near an air brick or vent that looks "too clean." Loosen a screw so any paint over it is cracked, don't tighten it all the way. Leave a couple drawers not fully closed. Bonus points for hiding different USBs in the vents so they think it's your go to place.

I mean, if you have an easily accessible bit of fake lawn or anti-weed membrane you could just throw it under there and it won't look out of place or disturbed really. If it has to be "inside" the house specifically, you could also unscrew your shower head and put it in there.

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u/dcconverter Oct 06 '22

A fake just ensures that they take down every single drywall and shingle of your house to make sure they didn't miss anything else

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u/human_male_123 Oct 06 '22

I slap a "baby pictures" label on it, and hide it in a box next to my box of classified documents. Apparently the DOJ isnt allowed to keep anything that isnt clearly marked classified.

13

u/Lo-siento-juan Oct 06 '22

I write 'evidence of politicans and rich people doing crimes' on it in sharpie and suddenly they're totally blind to it

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u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

Swallow it.

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u/Asink_Aweight Oct 06 '22

Makes sense. I wouldn't imagine such a noble organization as the FBI would kill you for evidence.

119

u/Rowbot_Girlyman Oct 06 '22

HEY HEY HEY NOW. He committed suicide by shooting himself in the back of the head 3 times then dismembering himself and stuffing himself in a suitcase. The FBI would never murder anyone.

16

u/LordTROLLdemort85 Oct 06 '22

Clearly he fell down the elevator shaft onto some bullets!

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u/Velvetundaground Oct 06 '22

Get your dog to swallow it.

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u/Thejerseyjon609 Oct 06 '22

First, you hide the actual USB off your property. Put it on/in your neighbor’s yard, mailbox, AC unit whatever. Second, you have another encrypted USB that has uncomfortable but not illegal stuff on it such as fetish porn, love letters from an ex, embarrassing fan fiction you’ve written, whatever. You “hide” that somewhere and leave telltale signs. A small amount of drywall dust under the electrical outlet. The screws on the air vent are crooked and loose. Somewhere that they will have to search and think they hit gold when they find it. The encryption will take a while for them to crack, giving you more time to properly hide/dispose of the real USB. NAC

107

u/Ikilledyourdogtwice Oct 06 '22

Probably outside the house, or my vagina

82

u/NJBill666 Oct 06 '22

Damn, wish I had a vagina to hide stuff in.

97

u/numaru1989 Oct 06 '22

Use your ass, off brand is just as good

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u/CptTurnersOpticNerve Oct 06 '22

Nature's pocket

18

u/NoodleDoodle-IRL Oct 06 '22

Use your jailhouse wallet

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u/ToTheSeaAgain Oct 06 '22

Easy. Download, encrypt, back up, erase.

Take a walk with my dog and yeet it into the HOA lady's back yard .

I have 30 mins and am a criminal. Fuck your rules.

17

u/averagethrowaway21 Oct 06 '22 You Dropped This

If I'm a criminal dealing in information then that USB drive only lasts long enough for me to get that information somewhere safe anyway. It wouldn't have made it to my house. It would be stored on an encrypted drive on a secure server overseas from a prepaid card bought in cash by a homeless man 3 hours away from me under the name Bob Oliver Francis Howard. It would have gotten there by a VPN on a secure boot drive from a public access point. The info would be verified, encrypted, reverified, the data would be backed up from there to a different server somewhere else overseas, both servers would then be shut down, then both drives would be shredded and ditched before coming back to my place.

I am not bringing anything the FBI might look for into my home. Fuck that.

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u/angry4nus Oct 06 '22

I’m an amateur beekeeper with langstroth beehives in my yard. I would perhaps stash it inside.

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u/flyting1881 Oct 06 '22

Take a chicken cutlet, slice it open, stick the USB inside. Stick the chicken in the freezer.